In Your Language

Saturday, May 3, 2014

I almost listened

A Glimpse into My studies

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Despite my errors in English, I found this interview paper to be a great edifying experience for me as a student and as an adopted person. I wrote it in four hours. My fingers flew over the keys as if I was playing an opus on my long neglected piano. [ I have a story about the piano... for a future post! ] I felt like I could see clearly how my career endeavor intertwines with my own adoption experience. I could finally make sense of why I feel okay. I'm not a tattered mess from my life, although I'd have plenty excuses to fall back on.

I almost listened...

to my grandmother that I should continue to pursue medicine. She scoffed at my interest in psychology to help others. I never got to tell her how taking psychology for the first time sparked, what I felt and continue to feel almost 20 years later, a burning desire to keep learning about it. It was like I was introduced to a new best friend. I finally got a filter through which I could see life in a healthy way.

But more than that, I realize that they were trying to lead me away from the one thing that would heal me. And for the very first time in my life, when I second guessed myself on whether or not I was dishonoring and disrespecting my adoptive family. I had measured my behavior as a daughter all the preceding days to communicate love and loyalty.

Despite the family tension, it has become very clear that I did the most self-respecting thing for myself. I believe that I could have obeyed them as I always had and become a soul-less doctor who would go home tortured from raw pain inside of unfiltered trauma and living for someone else. I probably would have been in the continued cycle of obeying in the hope that they would one day just lay off me TRUSTING that I was their child... I was their child! 

I was tired of thinking I proved myself just to get slapped across the face with ridiculous accusations. Perhaps that's what made it easier for me to stand my ground. I knew that I couldn't continue in that torturous cycle any longer. I stopped trying to please them because it was clear that they never had any intention of being pleased by me. It was essentially freeing.

So here I am, 18 years later going to college on a scholarship to do what I was designed by God to do. I waited a long time for God to provide my college for me. Which brings me back to the sermon I watched today. Jimmy Evans said that God's provision is under the assumption that we will be pro HIS vision (pro-vision). And that is my confirmation that I'm doing exactly what He has made me to do.

There is another spin on provision. We are provided with our talents, our intelligences and our innate drives. When we lay them to waste, unused, we are scoffing at God's provision for us. It is something that I try to impress on my son. I want to see the reaches of his ability KNOWING that his abilities are God given and have limitless potential for righteous application in his earthly kingdom. God made him to be more than who he is in this moment. Of that, I am certain. 

And still, I am not a finished product either. Like the academic paper I shared above, I have things to improve on and refine. I welcome all those modifications. It is my privilege to be used by Him. It is of no consequence that I was a child born out of wedlock. I am a child that was breathed into existence since the beginning of time with a great purpose that only I can fill. 

You are on your way also. Blessings to you and thank you ever so much for reading!

Did I trigger any thoughts in your head by my post? Would you please share them in a kind manner? I look forward to responding to you shortly!

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