Dear Step Families

Combat your Prejudice

The area of blended families is the last frontier of socially sanctioned prejudice. There are activist groups for most sub-populations of Americans. The one population who gets the most legal and social prejudice is step-parents and step-families. I think this is the most insidious place for discrimination. If I write this post within my intentions, I will insult you little and motivate you to do better.

If it is okay to discriminate at home, then how easy does that make it to do it elsewhere? On top of that, we are basically modeling to our children that we CAN and SHOULD prejudice people who are not genetically related to us. Ok, to put that in perspective: how much of the global population to you claim as your genetic family? 

It's not just that step-parents succumb to prejudice, so do the children. But, I'm talking to adults and adults are the ones who need to be the "bigger people." I get it. You were a stepchild once and your stepmother mistreated you. And then, low and behold, you find yourself married to a person who has kids from a previous marriage.

The visceral reaction is to play out those unhealthy dynamics with an INNOCENT child. Your feelings and memories are valid. But they are not valid in this new environment. Don't get me wrong, every one has their pain and needs grace. But, for the love of your spouse, this largely innocent child, and the future of the marriage that holds together your present family, keep your past in your past.

When Love Goes the Distance

A Helicopter Tour in Colorado

Distance can put a huge strain on relationships. Jen Im from “Clothes Encounters” on YouTube has a long distance relationship with a guy in England. Michelle Phan has a long distance relationship with her man in mainland Europe. Many military couples endure long separations so that they can serve their country on the home-front and abroad.

Driving down the road today, I realized that God was supplying me and my husband everything we needed to nurture and grow our relationship. Our communication is constrained by time, text or video chats that can be tense. There is also an inability to have physical intimacy with each other.

I know my husband, being a different person than I, does not share exactly the same view and experience of this separation, I still think that my perspective is worth sharing as it shows God’s hand in enriching our relationship. He replaced physical intimacy with physical longing. He gave us opportunities and inspiration to grow on a whole new level of intimacy—the spiritual kind.

Despite the fact that he is not a professing “Christian,” I see God knocking on his heart more and more fervently during this time. God knows that even though my husband longs for my comfort, that His comfort is enough. His kind of comfort can minister to my husband in his time zone when I cannot.

This period of spiritual growth (with God being the conduit that overcomes constraints of time differences) is monumental because it was a major point of weakness (or absent) in our relationship when we were face to face. It makes me realize that even with physical intimacy, there can be a lack of spiritual intimacy. And let’s face it, we all want to reach the mecca of spiritual intimacy. Anyone can knock boots, but can they resonate on a spiritual level?

With this realization, the promise that God honors our marriage has come to life. Our eyes were not on the spiritual side of our marriage in this “season of life.” In fact we were quite locked in on the mundane aspects of keeping the family going while separated. He has infused a supernatural aspect to our relationship.

Despite our physical distance apart, I have never felt so “known” by my husband. Chances are, we would not have reached this point if he were right in front of me. It was the hidden gift in this time apart. It makes me think of the work God wants us to do in our time apart, from hours to months to years.

God substituted something better than what was missing. He supplied spiritual intimacy when we lacked the physical kind. It is akin to losing a cubic zirconia ring and getting a free diamond for a replacement. It feels like a relationship jackpot. He is waiting to make your (future) marriage a testament for his will and love for all people.

The God Network

Are you on Direct Spiritual Link (DSL)?

I ask this sincere question because I can say that I have NOT always been connected. But I can say that I have always known it to exist. This is my first stab at putting words to this idea. The premise for this post is reveling in the small and big events that have happened over the past few months that convinces me that this D.S.L. (with God) transcends time and physical presence.

In Good Times and In Bad Times

You don’t need a perfect Marriage.

My marriage is not perfect. But it is at the stage where I feel like other people would want what we have. And in all honesty, that feels—AMAZING. It’s the quality of marriage that I don’t want to put in jeopardy. I am protecting it so it can protect me during life’s storms. It’s not a matter  of if they come, but a matter of when they come.

Recognize Your Redeemer

I was recently touched by someone’s very personal and very real story. While in the moment, I was drenched in empathy for this person’s story of pain and betrayal. The person had come to expect one thing in particular. And then— she met her redeemer. And like so many redeemers, they appear of God’s appointment and usually are not obvious to the receiver.

Harmony of Past and Present

In Foster Care Aug '84

My Adoptee Journey Destination: Wholeness

Most of my life, I thought that the only way I could be "okay" with life was if I could rewrite it. The static nature of my past was all to disheartening and condemning to me. It was easier to stop looking back. But then, life kept repeating itself. The past I was avoiding kept on appearing in my present.

It wasn't until I embraced God's call to repent of my ways, that I could look at my past and improve myself. God told me it doesn't matter where I came from (time/history perspective) but where I am now, in contrast. But ultimately, my destiny as a Believer is Heaven. Heaven is the antithesis of my previous life before I became "born again."

My first birth was less than dignified. Without holding on to blame, I can only understand it as the convergence of dismal circumstances with the culture in which I was born. But, my God given desires have always pointed me back to my family of origin. (Not to the exclusivity of my adoptive family, but to have a comfortable duplicity in my life.) 

I know God was trying to orchestrate something big in my life. He juggled the circumstances along with my sometimes unthinkable actions. But that matrix of his Loving Hand and my limited wisdom has brought me to a time where, I have total confidence in what he has in store for me, for my family and for the world. 

Be the Boss of your Stress

Don't let Stress call the shots~

My better half asked what changed about me. Why can I handle this stressful phase in our life? My fundamental answer was that I decided that it was no longer going to have power over me. Of course, I acknowledge that I cannot control when stressful events happen. I accept that stress is something my body will acknowledge. It is what I do with it that makes it sabotage my days and my peace.

Get Help Where Help is Due

1. I bought a natural supplement to help my body detox from cortisol
   

Fierce Love

Man's Greatest Fear: 

to love and not be loved back

Hack Conversations for your Sanity

Because we are easily influenced, we must 

monitor which attitude acceptor sites we maintain.

Emotions are Tempting

I am a deep thinker. I watch serious, thought-provoking, and educational media like: "The Case for Emotional Hygiene" and "What is the Impact of Toxic Thinking?". I don't share this to put you off but to reveal a bit of myself. I don't do those things for show; it is merely a part of who I am. That is what I do when I'm "in character" and genuine to my inclinations.

Relational Grit

Relational Grit

I have done a lot of thinking on how we have made it this far. That is really striking to say because it makes it sound as if we were a train wreck. But the truth was, we really were. We were both pretty messed up on our own; and then we had to go on and put our crazy trains on the same track. It really is a miracle that we have greatly improved our relationship despite the odds.

In my psychology studies, there is a concept of personal grit that allows people to succeed and overcome the challenges inherent to life. Angela Lee Duckworth gave a TED presentation on "grit" that you can see by clicking here. Margaret M. Perlis writes about it on Forbes.com here. When I Google searched "relational grit" there were no results close to relationship or grit as a psychological term. The closest result was an article called "Does Your Marriage Have Enough Grit?" So, perhaps that is a good reason for me to continue this post.

Secret Story- Spoiler Words: Pineapple, Magnesium, Walks

What kind of story involves pineapples, walks and magnesium?

My life is Good: June

Life is Good

I'm going to make you tired of hearing how good my life is. (wink)

 June must be one of my favorite months. The weather is beautiful. The clothes are more fun. The grills are smelling great. We get a breather from the "big" month of May in our family. There are 3 birthdays in 3 days, Mother's Day, an anniversary and all of the end of school year activities in May. Recovery time = June

Developments with Family:

I hear some parents dread the summer with the kids home. And, I was tempted to feel that way too. But I've felt led to use it as an opportunity. When my daughter goes off with her father for summers, I am no longer grief stricken, but use that time to spend quality time with my other kiddos. We're going to go back on similar school schedules rather than staggered. But even then, I've had a time optimizing strategy. 

It's nice that the kids are more able to help around the house than last year. I've grown in my love for my other kids since the baby has been around. I love them because I am seeing a new side of them as role of big sister or big brother. 

Personal Developments:

I played around with the photos I shot with my new camera that I got for my birthday. I was also getting used to my first class at University of Phoenix and the way they set up their modules. I'm of new to this online AND team project stuff. I know I will have to work in teams in the future, so-be-it. My mind is on fire with processing my life and my studies. I feel on the top of my game, mentally.

Blog in Review:

I've made some new blogging friends by meeting Kathewithane.com in person. I had a Guest writer whose story was so compelling that it appeared on my "most popular posts" list. I wrote a guest piece on life after adoption for Psychologist Bob Brotchie at www.angliacounselling.co.uk/. He was responsible for the I.C.E. Protocol for the cell-phone contacts list. I did 21 posts in June which is about 5 posts each week. What do you think about the variety? I had a slight dip in Alexa but I've maintained strong standing (whatever that means, smile). 

My Cause

 

 I woke up this morning to this fundraising promotion. There was no hesitation on whether or not I would participate. If I were bringing in income, I would have donated more. I'm premeditating what my future income will fund: college educations for my children, a wedding that we have  yet to have, and more donations to causes that are important to me.

I've mentioned Jessie Hogsett before in a post called Response to Baby Moved to Tears. I believe I also suffered from this detachment with my adoptive family. I remember having separation anxiety when I was 13. If you ask me, that is extremely old to have such strong feelings towards being left by your parents. 

I don't talk about my ugly young adult stage that much because its, well, ugly. I should rephrase that. My inward existence as a young adult was ugly. On the outside, I was too busy playing musical instruments, writing and studying. But on the inside, I was reeling. I felt neglected and like a non-person in my own home. 

When I went off to college the first time, I started having horrible nightmares, insomnia and a relapse with an eating disorder. All of that led to what I refer to as a mental breakdown. I was a useless mess. I stopped taking my family's phone calls and I decided that I couldn't be healthy AND be in relationship with them. I'm not saying it's all their fault, but I still maintain that I did the right thing for me knowing that I was the only one who was looking out for me.

When my mother came to campus to confront me, she assumed the worst in me. She thought I was pregnant and on drugs. That was far from the truth. I knew at that moment that she didn't know me after 15 years of being "her daughter." I was struggling to make sense of the crap I went through without villainizing my parents whom I was supposed to go back home to over the summer. I just couldn't go back home. And- I never did go back "home." 

I knew that I had nothing going on with my adoptive father after an incident that is burned into my head. I was going to see this therapist when I was around 13 or 14. She kept talking to me like an idiot about her tea and rice. She was not very "culturally competent" and I picked up on it right away. ["Cultural competence" is a theme in my Human Services program.] 
 
My dumb teenage mouth told her how I'd tried to kill myself by taking a whole bottle of sleeping pills. I remember that day. My parents had no idea that I was "out." But, God intervened and pulled me out of that "sleep." I was disappointed and that was why I told my therapist. 

She was legally bound to tell my parents since I was a minor. That particular session, my father was picking me up. She told him that I had made an attempt on my life. All he could muster to say to me (in the most disgusted and unloving voice) was "How dare you do that to our family!" 

I couldn't handle that response on top of the numerous times he told me I should be "thankful," "grateful," and everything else speaking to the fact that he didn't think I deserved the parenting he was providing for me. I was emotionally done with them in that phase of my life. I knew I couldn't survive with that attitude from my parents. 

This was after I had nursed him to health after open heart surgery. I worked for my mother so she could have her dream flower shop. I dutifully mothered my mother the way she always begged me to fawn over her. I was emotionally dead. 

HELP is a four letter word

Robin Williams Checks into Rehab

(click link to view source)

[ This post is in no means an effort to judge Robin Williams. I consider him a gifted actor who needs help like anyone else. I thought I'd write about it since he's probably entered your mind recently. My admiration and blessing goes to him for being proactive with his struggle with addiction. When I am a Social Worker, I will be helping people with a range of challenges, alcoholism being one of them. ]

 HELP is a Four Letter Word

But I, and Robin Williams, don't want you to treat it as such. It doesn't involve violence. It gives rise to an opportunity to improve and to allow someone the honor of stepping into the "gap." It's acknowledging the limits of our personal skills and abilities. We were made with deficits that others could fill in for us in the context of relationship or a helping relationship. In turn, we also have skills that can plug into the deficits of other people. It is the basest reason for why we need each other. We lack and are skilled in different areas. I'm envisioning interlocking puzzle pieces.

GUEST POST: Living with a History of Adoption

I recently seized the opportunity to submit a blog post on my experience of being adopted. A fellow blogger was so gracious to suggest to me this guest post opportunity with Anglia Counselling in England. I've also been able to meet a fellow blogger who I took forever to realize lives in my town! My husband has been so supportive lately of my blogging venture that he even offered to watch our three kids so I could have more time to fit in this labor of love!

I hope all of my efforts, although amateur, are shining through to you, my lovely reader. It's a thrill to grasp that hundreds of you are spend some of your precious minutes on my blog. Many thanks. I am doing my best to catch up with my comments. Please know that I'm also visiting your internet "domain" in the meantime. Like my business card says, I want to show you my appreciation by featuring you on my blog wherever I can. 

As I mentioned before, I have a guest blogging opportunity open to anyone who wants to blog about giving or receiving blessings and good karma. For more details, contact me at merejasmin@gmail.com Thank you for stopping by! Blessings to you~

Living with a History of Adoption

#TheSundayPost

Assumptions for Better Relationships

Based on a TED Talk

You are Safe to Assume that:

1. People want Help
2. People would do Better if They Knew a Different Way
3. People Filter What they Hear
4. People Don't Prefer to be Alone

Defensiveness Fails

Reporting to you in a representation of Real Life:

It might seem like the things that I write are from a place where I'm standing outside of a reality similar (not the same) as you. But, as different as my life is from yours- it is not without a flux of challenge and victory. Thankfully for me, most challenges have become victories. Hallelujah~

Defensiveness Fails

Kick the Blaming Habit in 5 Steps

1. Bless the Other Person

Just because you are at odds doesn't mean you need to curse the other person. Unless this is the last time you're planning on seeing them...

2. Love in Return for Wrongdoing

Love in this situation reflects more about you as a person than what the other person deserves.

3. Accept the Person as They Are (Imperfect)

When we acknowledge that all people are imperfect, there is less need to alienate each other for being human. If we wait to accept people when they are perfect, it will be a futile waste of patience. 

4. Mend the Condition of the Relationship

Where blaming tends to harm the condition of the relationship, we can purpose to do the opposite. Mending adds to the strength of relationships.

5. Elevate the Other Person

It is hard to be harsh to someone we elevate in value. It would also elevate the standards of the relationship.  

Human Placebo

The Placebo Effect is Real...

Thank Heavens

Dear Reader,

I have gone through 34 years of life to realize that the "placebo effect" is so very real. It is as real as the pain that saturates our human race. We are walking around with deficits from things that were withheld from us-- searching for that placebo. Searching for the thing, the person, the ideology that will "fill us up." The kind of filling that would fill that void to the "T". The placebo would ideally be the exact amount we need to make our lives better, or to at the very least, anesthetize our pain.

We want this "placebo" to fill us up, not to purposefully use it or abuse it, but to make us whole. We have a drive to be whole. It is part of being a living thing. It is in wholeness that we imagine ourselves being the best versions of our-self; we would be smarter, more successful, more popular.

The good news is that everyone has a void.