Sofa Talk, Virtual Peptalk [3]: Gwyneth Paltrow and Chris Martin

Image Source: http://snarkerati.com/celebrity-gossip/files/2008/12/gwyneth_paltrow_chris_martin.jpg

Well here we are again with a different couple who are on the outs. After 10 years of marriage and two kids, they've come to the conclusion that they cannot be married and parent at the same time. I feel like most of the media outlets are so blaze about celebrity breakups to the point where they almost glamorize them. We, commoners, get this is idea that divorce isn't such a big deal... maybe as long as you are a spokesperson for charity.

The truth is, divorce, period, is a serious matter. While the couple has only announced "separation," they are speaking as if they are pursuing divorce. Outwardly, they still seem to be fond of each other; but we've only seen and heard what they want us to see and hear. 

           

          We are, however, and always will be a family, and in many ways we are closer

          than we have ever been. We are parents first and foremost, to two incredibly 

          wonderful children and we ask for their and our space and privacy to be
          respected at this difficult time. We have always conducted our relationship 

          privately, and we hope that as we consciously uncouple and coparent, we will be 

          able to continue in the same manner. (Paltrow/Martin, Eonline, March 25, 2014)

They talk about it like they will be okay about it soon. But the truth is divorce SHOULD be devastating. It is the spiritual breaking in half of ONE person (biblically speaking). Add on top of it that they have children, Apple and Moses, who will grow up in a somewhat ordinary (speaking of divorce) but unideal situation. Things will only get harder for the kids once the parents decided to date again and possibly remarry (hopefully to each other- wink).

The Eonline article shared that they had been working hard on the relationship for a year before the decision despite the fact that they've had 10 whole years to fortify their relationship. I hope that doesn't give the public a new standard on which to base separation and divorce. According to their words, love is not enough. On that one point, I wholeheartedly agree.

This couple has kept their relationship private so I'm only going off their blog post and Eonline to base my reflection of this entombed relationship. I also want to take in account for the fact that they are celebrities and assume that they spent a bunch of time apart from each other for screen jobs and music gigs. In a large sense, Paltrow-Martin, are the stereotypical and general example of a star studded relationship.

What hit me from their words were things that were dissonant and on tone with divorce. "We are closer than we have ever been" is not the normal explanation leading to this sort of news. It begs me to ask why they don't keep working at it. Not knowing all the details, if they can report that- they have a lot more to go on than other couples, famous or not.

"We are parents first and foremost..." hits me as a strong indicator of improper priorities in their family. They should have put their marriage "first and foremost" for the well-being of their children. As much as children are "helpless," they are even more helpless when marriages crumble. Divorce has implications to the children's future marriages and even the grand-children's marriages. You could almost say "stay married for the sake of your children, your children's children and your children's children's children." If your marriage benefited more than just your present family but your future family, would you leverage your "happiness" until you could do marriage right with the one you're with?

Jimmy Evans of Marriage Today Ministries preaches that what you spend time on is your treasure. Perhaps with their fast paced famous life, they neglected to spend time with each other. Spending time together means you are treasuring that priority that also greatly benefits the children indirectly and directly through marriage modeling. They will gravitate toward what is familiar- for wrong or right.

I say all of this with the humility of a person who's been divorced. I've had to repent of incorrect thinking and behavior. I wish that I knew what I know now when I first started out dating. I've come to the realization that the more fighting we do with our inner appetites of ego, the less fighting we do in our marriages (or relationships in general). I can be okay with inner conflicts as long as I am actively working on them. The more I put a hedge between my destructive tendencies, the more I am honoring and preserving my marriage. 

For other Sofa Talk, Virtual Peptalk series posts click [2] & [1]

[My prayer for this celebrity couple is that they will use this time of separation to repair their relationship. I pray that if they do get divorced, that their future will bring them back together in remarriage. I pray that they can be one of the few celebrity marriages that publicly, not privately, beats the odds and paves the way for new thinking about marriage. I pray all of these words in His Name. Amen.]

#celebritymarriage #marriagepriorities #Paltrow-Martin #separation

Sofa Talk. Virtual Peptalk [2]: Matt and Amy Roloff

Photo Credit: US Magazine

The TLC network has another marriage casualty. Perhaps it is a little premature to say that the marriage is "over," but things have certainly turned for the worse. It seems like it was more than the TV show that was ending; so was the marriage. I used to watch this show a few years back and I grew fond of the family. I found the couple's ambitions inspiring. I felt like if they could do great things with their vertical challenge, than surely I could too with all 61 inches of me.

In the "Trial Separation" segment, Matt mentioned that he and Amy had a lot of tension. "Amy and I stuck it out for years, when maybe we shouldn't have," Matt said flatly. Amy boiled it down to that they "failed to learn to live together."  I observed the tension in their little clips in that segment that highlighted their conflicts. Amy looked like she was past the point of trying to please Matt when he voiced his expectation of a uncluttered house. Matt looked unwilling to fight FOR the marriage and sought the change through living in their other house on the premises.

In the "Burnt Out" segment, I saw Matt talk about his formidable physical pain which is probably one of the attributes for his part of the bickering. Physical pain makes even the more skeletal sound (non-dwarf) person feel like tasks are herculean. He shared his frustration and Amy countered with "mind reading" and "putting words in his mouth" in all sense of the cliches. Matt said "We just clash on 'bout every decision possible." They are failing to back each other up and be teammates.

In that same segment, Amy confronts Matt with changing his tune about taking things easy (knowing their physical challenges and pain); he used to squash Amy's same suggestions in the past. It seems like Matt didn't account for margin for their marriage in the physical energy sense. I genuinely believe that he is in acute and chronic pain from most of his voluntary activities on the farm. It seems that he's left his "best" for their farm business and has given Amy the scraps.

Using the John Gottman's research on predicting divorce with "criticism, contempt, defensiveness, and stonewalling," I see that both Amy and Matt were displaying one or more of these signs often in the clips that I watched and referenced above. I could see the contempt that was laced inbetween their words. The criticism flowed from Amy's mouth virtually effortlessly. Matt's defensiveness, in my eyes, seemed to drive him to live in the other residence on the farm.

Like I said before in "Sofa Talk, Virtual Peptalk [1]:" I offer my lay counseling (hypothetically) based on my marriage experiences, family and individual counseling, parenting seminars, family seminars, communication seminars and my 1 credit away from an Associates Degree in psychology. My career goal is to be a family counselor and so, I want to exercise my counseling muscle in a virtual exercise of sorts. I've also done "My Virtual Child" and "My Virtual Life" exercises hosted by Pearson (Educational Products and Publisher).

I italicized words and phrases in the above commentary to highlight the damaging components to their interaction. I also bolded the words and phrases that would strengthen their marriage. But I'd focus on reducing visible signs of contempt for Amy and giving their marriage margin for Matt. I believe that working on those two things, difference for each of them, would greatly turn around their marriage.

Many counselors warn that neglecting the marriage while the children are in the "nest" spells insecure future for the marriage. It seems that with the kids out of the house, that forecast has come to pass. But on the optimistic side, there's been research that says that if couples stick it (fight FOR the marriage as I bolded previously) out for five years, that their marriage satisfaction increases. And let's face it, marriage requires continual pursuit; repeatedly saying to each other "you're my number one" and proving it with our actions and decisions. As Jimmy Evans of Marriage Today Ministry says (loosely) that people don't fall in love by NOT making each other first. So why do we think that marriage can survive when we don't put each other first?

Unfortunately it seems that "The Learning Channel" couples (Roloff and Gosselin) had much to learn about marriage relationships. They have left the viewers like me to learn from their mistakes. There was no way for "TLC" to screen for solid families and marriages if they didn't take Dr. Gottman's research seriously.

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I pray over these public marriages. They are "normal" relationships that are merely put under the added stress of celebrity and public scrutiny. I pray that God would redeem this marriage. I pray that he would use his power to turn their hearts toward each other and extend each other grace. I know that if anything can save this marriage, or any marriage for that matter, it is our Mighty God. I invoke his healing power over Matt and Amy that they may put marriage redemption into the public eye and be champions for enduring marriages. Separation is not the end if they do it the repentant, godly way.
I pray all of these things in his Perfectly Loving Name, Amen.

#Roloff #Gottman #TLC #LittlePeopleBigWorld

Sofa Talk, Virtual Peptalk: Jon and Kate Gosselin

Photo Credit: People.com

     I have to be honest and say that I've been watching "Jon and Kate Plus 8" with my daughter as an opportunity to discuss relationships. I am first to say that I am not a perfect spouse or person. I've been divorced twice. But I can also say that due to my "failures", I have an insight into what went wrong in their marriage. It was a train-wreck, marriage style, waiting to happen. Also, I find it easier to talk to my daughter about how to approach relationships/friendships but from a more distant example rather than her own parent's failed marriage.

     First off, you might ask- why are YOU interested in this family and marriage for that matter. Why are you watching it with your daughter? My response is that I was interested in it because it was a reality show that was rated G rather than my first exposure to "reality tv" with "The Real World." I would not be able to watch "The Real World" with my 7 year old daughter, nor do I really desire to watch raunchy stuff that makes me cringe. I do believe in "too much information" being released to the public that will never personally know the "cast." Also, I was interested in the show and family because Jon is half Korean and I am also Korean. I wanted to watch a show with my half Korean daughter that had other kids similar to her. And thus, "Jon and Kate Plus 8" was the best candidate for our viewing.

     We have watched all the episodes up until Jon and Kate revealed that they are officially separating (back in 2007). To be honest, in reality tv style, my personal reaction was of betrayal. I thought they "sold" us their product of a 10 person family for life. It even entered my mind that their marriage and children were a publicity stunt for Kate. How could that make this horrible decision to destroy such a fragile (by numbers) family?! I felt disappointed and let down. I guess in a way I put them on a pedestal and expected them to show me (who failed 2 marriages) how to do family right.

     I offer my lay counseling (hypothetically) based on my marriage experiences, family and individual counseling, parenting seminars, family seminars, communication seminars and my 1 credit away from an Associates Degree in psychology. My career goal is to be a family counselor and so, I want to exercise my counseling muscle in a virtual exercise of sorts. I've also done "My Virtual Child" and "My Virtual Life" exercises hosted by Pearson (Educational Products and Publisher). 

      So the thing that stands out the most to me is that the Gosselin family was centered on a Christian ideology, at least in theory. According to the Bible, the marriage represents three strands of a cord of relationship with God; one strand is the wife, another is the husband, and the third is God. If a marriage is based and centered on God, technically it should not fail. In that revealing episode, they both proudly proclaimed that they'd do anything for their kids and their kids are their priority. So in my humble opinion, that was the greatest strike against their marriage; they should have made their marriage first and not surprisingly the relationship withered. 

     To expand on the idea of a marriage should not be centered on children, in their case, eight: children are generally made into gods and making 8 gods happy is an impossible task. It is logically more sound to seek to make the one God proud and teach the children how to do the same. Children also make their parents gods (one too many IMHO!) and then demonize them for not succumbing to their every will and manipulation. Children are not consistent enough to balance any such relationship.

     I think that the communication was a huge downfall in their marriage as well. Kate was dominant and Jon was the passive aggressive stone-waller. Even Jon admitted in that episode that he should have "stood up" sooner. Pastor Jimmy Evans preaches that same idea in his Ministry "Marriage Today." He says that the dominated have a duty to stand up firmly and in love. Don't enable the other person to be dominant. I used to be the same way as Kate in the eyes of my husband. It was a harsh thing to swallow knowing in my mind I was not trying to discourage him from adding to the conversations. I wouldn't have cared if he screamed at me, I just wanted to hear from him. From his stand point, he was putting a silent ultimatum on me: either you talk to me perfectly or I'm not talking. Well, demanding someone be perfect is just preposterous as much as many of us would love to strive for it. And so goes the cycle of demonizing goes on and on and on.... Both sides were in a horrible pattern of willing each other to do things the other was un-willing or very possibly unable or not taught to do.

     I admit that I used to think very harshly about Kate. I'd think "Does she even HEAR herself?" My old Kate-like self has been cage by a tamer version of myself (even with my husband's nod of agreement). I find that she has put herself in a position of being a "god" thinking that "I have to get this done or it will never be done or taken on by someone else." But come on- let's just admit that it's a "mom thing" to do and not just a "Kate thing." And multiply that by 8 kids, or 9 if you include the husband.  That's a whole lot to try to be god over, right?!

     I finally came to the conclusion that what we saw was not intrinsic to Kate Gosselin but more to the situation in general. I don't think that any average American could do it much different from her. Either you could be so laid back and your family life be a disaster, OR you could be like Kate and have structure under a drill sergeant. I wish they (Jon and Kate) could have made the right attribution of their troubles to the situation and not to each other.

    In this instance, the Enemy won. He put the wool over their eyes, and ours if we're honest, and allowed us to demonize people who are just fallen and broken like any other person. They were attempting to do family on the scale of 10 right. Let's keep it real, the only "demon" is the DEVIL himself. Let's call him out when he steps into our "meat suits" like Dean say in "Supernatural."  The Devil WANTS our marriages to break up and our families to be destroyed. Let's be clear: this is ONLY a case of spiritual battles. Let's learn to step back and see when our troubles are attributed more to our situations rather than intrinsic to people we love.

     To Jon and Kate Gosselin: I am so sorry for your heartbreak. I was rooting for you. I thought you had an incredible family. If I were a licensed counselor, I would offer it for free to keep you ten together. It's not just for the fact that you were in the spotlight, but because you would be a testament for God's vision for family. I pray that you find a way to forge a new balanced relationship toward each other and perhaps one day you can get re-married. Redemption and grace are so powerful. If my husband could offer that to me, an awful sinner, I'm sure you could have as much of it yourselves.

     I wish blessing over all of our marriages and families. I pray that God magnifies the good (even if it's just a grain of sand) and diminishes the blemishes. We are worth it. Shut out the work of Satan. Live in love of the Eternal kind. I pray this in His Marriage Saving Name, Amen.

P.S. Any other suggestions for "Sofa Talk, Virtual Peptalk" with celebrity or historical couples? Please enter them in the comments box below. Thank you in advance!