In Your Language

Wednesday, April 30, 2014

It's not your fault

This is a post that portrays me as 

a fallible human being. 

[Enter Human] 

 Maybe this is more of an adoptee thing, 

but I think it has to do with a relapse with co-dependency.

The other day I was not reading my husband very well and he said to me in frustration: 

"Why do you always make it YOUR fault?"
The co-dependent part of me probably came out because I was feeling melancholy about the anniversary of my father's death. It's like my brain derailed from the evolved track and took the lower track. It happened before I could even see that it was happening. I was indeed having a relapse. Perhaps it was more than just being perplexed by my husband. I'm sure the kids were pushing my buttons and I was probably frustrated at having to learn 3 chapters worth of physics content in one week.

The co-dependent takes responsibility for everyone's discontentment. Perhaps the adoptee part of me was not so easily convinced that it wasn't me; until my husband jerked me back to reality with that remark. It was the first time he ever suggested to me that it was all his problem and had nothing to do with "us." He did us a relational favor by drawing that boundary of responsibility. It was as if he was saying "This one is up to me." I was off the hook.

Of course I felt foolish for relapsing into co-dependent patterns. But, I felt even more relieved that our relationship had come to a point where he could give me the benefit of disclosure. I felt like I didn't need to wear my guessing hat anymore. It was the first time in my life I didn't feel like everyone was making their unhappiness my fault. 

It is not rational to think that everything is my [your] fault. We simply don't have that reach of influence. Many things happen without our involvement. I do think it is a logical response in the case when a blameless child becomes abandoned or the like. The moment when things don't make sense is exactly when irrational thoughts increase their grip on our minds. {The adoptee assumption, flawed, but not completely without reason.}

So, I propose to you, the reader and friends,  leave space in your mind and thinking for the possibility that it isn't your fault. Most times we will not get the benefit of disclosure, as I shared with you. But, if it was always your fault, or my fault, I doubt we would have as many people in our lives as we have. And- I give myself the permission to be fallible and make mistakes along the way. It's only part of being 100% human! 

Give yourself a hug! Thank you so much for reading. I hope that my posts are a worth while part of your day. I take your comments as compliments. I look forward to responding to you shortly~ 

Blessings to you~

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