In Your Language

Saturday, April 5, 2014

The day I realized that...

he really does love me more...

This was shortly after we met...

but it almost seems as if he has always had a special place for me in his heart.


You see... If anyone can deem herself less loveable... it's me. {At least that has been my unspoken attitude ever since I was abandoned as a preschooler.} I felt so entitled to holding on to this idea that no one would ever love me again. It was hard for my mind to stretch in that manner. 


So now... I have a husband that I can't begin to deserve tell me that he loves me more! For a long time I just took it as a lie. I was almost insulted that he would challenge my mental construct (lie is the better word). After all, I did X, Y, and Z AND there is less of me that was loveable... validating how impossible it would be to love me more. Despite the fact that I don't define myself as an "adoptee", the feeling of being damaged is hard to shake off.

[Getting personal here] An ongoing problem between us was that we felt so let down when the other person complained or whined. It was a major rut. To be honest, I will take 99% of the blame for that. It started with my discomfort with his discontent about pretty much everything. Being adopted, I had a subconscious fear that unhappiness and trials would break my present relationships just like it did with my mother and father. It was a valid fear, but invalid application of such fear.

I used to say to him "Why do you feel X about Y?" And he'd say "Why can't I just feel the way I feel?" We were in this cycle of just getting frantic over everything and nothing.  Then I stopped "telling him how to feel." Yet it still didn't feel secure to me. He wasn't happy with "something" and I was assumed that it was "me." [I have a feeling that my adopted peeps know what I'm talking about.]

He admitted to me a while ago that when we first met that he was very selfish and stubborn, but that he wanted to be with me enough to go the extra mile (required lengths) to make our relationship work. It wasn't until recently that I felt strong enough to be okay with an "off" day and not feel like my life was going to end as I knew it. I even told him that he hurt my feelings. Do you know how long it's been since I've said that?!!! The last time I ever revealed in a conversation that my feelings were hurt was with my adoptive mother and she told me that I was too sensitive. So- I stopped thinking that ANYONE would care. (So stupid and yet, as a kid, it's a believable reaction)

Yesterday- my husband graciously supported me when I was having an "off" day. When I brought it up today, he said "Don't be sorry about yesterday- I need to be there for you when you feel down or anxious." And instantly, I felt something completely new. I felt myself becoming convinced of my present security and love.

So, now- I really do get it. He really does love me more... than anyone in this world. We are really winning this war against relationships lately. To my Christian heart, it just gives me proof that God blesses our marriage and wants us to have a safe and loving relationship as sinners in such a fallen world. But I'm starting to think that if our world was so grand, we'd take each other for granted. It's through our trials that have revealed the strength of our relationship.

So as of today (4/5/14), I realized that he really does love me more. <3

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