The torture of inconsistency and some hope

 Photo Credit: russian-untouchables.com

I remember always questioning my relationships due to inconsistency. Let's be real- being abandoned makes a person ever so sensitive to inconsistencies. The things and people we cannot count on bring us to that vulnerable place of horror over the idea of that separation happening all over again- different cast, so to speak.

Inconsistency tells our primal selves that life is not secure and that we cannot count on things or people. It's not even a conscious choice that we have decided not to trust. It is a primal switch that takes many repetitions for things to feel "right" again. I can honestly say that I would not wish this type of feeling on my worst enemies. Nothing is more terrifying than feeling alone in the world.

Inconsistencies have a pain attached to them connected to disconnection. Disconnection is what we are left to feel when our actions are not reciprocated. The excruciating feeling of not knowing the rules KNOWING that the "social contract" is null and void. Knowing that despite our intrinsic value and our behavior, relational rewards are withheld.

Inconsistencies lead us to turn away our hearts from each other... and on the severe end, from people in general. I have seen too many broken and hurting hearts not to write about this topic. I've felt it. In some cultures they call this a one sided torturous relationship. And if we enable and allow these types of relationships it becomes something we seek out of familiarity.

There is hope. There is a promise to grasp. There is a perfect love out there. If your heart cries due to interpersonal inconsistencies and disappointments, this Perfect Love is for all of us. This "perfect love" puts in perspective the shortcomings of any human heart. Jeremiah 17:9 says that our hearts deceive us...

Seek refuge in God. Place all of those relational longings on him so that HE may fulfill them for us. God sees us all for our eternal value. He hurts for our pain and he wants our hearts to break for what breaks his.
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After my weekend experience at the Easter Seals camp, my eyes opened to how much people are hurting. Some of the most caring people are also the most hurt. They hurt because they have neglected themselves first off. They put off their own self care needs in the hopes that their sacrifices will pay off before they accumulate a spiritual debt that will be insurmountable. Perhaps the reason why we get burnt out caring for others is that we haven't cared enough for ourselves to keep our ministering motors running.

God does not condone self neglect especially if it endangers the care and ministry to other people. I sat next to couples, siblings, families that looked just as disconnected with each other as they were with the strangers that joined in on the camp. I saw sunken eyes and faces aged beyond their time. People thought that they could take a personal debt that was not benefiting anyone involved. Somehow, people tricked themselves into putting 100% of their energy on 20% of their family. And you wonder why families are imploding.

Special needs families are the most likely to get divorced... it seems right up there with 2nd marriages (the sources are aplenty). We all matter and we need to start behaving as if we do. Needs are equal even if "special ones" are present. How can we care for others without maintaining our personal reservoir for that care? The more imbalanced and inconsistent a household, the more dysfunction we will experience.

Sometimes we are so in the thick of it that we cannot see it for lack of perspective. I had a complete stranger, single mother, cry to me that she was wanting a man in her life. I had another mother cry out to me as if she hasn't been heard in YEARS. I heard people say that they struggle to keep their family present and in the moment with each other. This is NORMAL for these families, but it's not what God ordained.

We set out to have this family EXperience with EXcitement and EXpectations of shared synchronous joy. And despite the fact that that is very unlikely to happen-- EVER, we have to decide to do the right thing for our families DESPITE the consensus and be willing to fake positive energy to beget more positive energy.

For the people who want the right things WILL attain it as long as they own THEIR experience and not make it contingent on others. My husband and I made the best of it. I took a human inventory and decided that people are even more precious and worthy than I did before the weekend. I had time with my Heavenly God in a higher elevation (of the mountains). I rejoiced that we have stayed steadfast, with HIM strengthening us.

This weekend symbolizes another stamp on our relational passport. I've also referred to it to my counselor as our "relational resume."I keep a special binder will all of the family and marriage enriching activities we've participated in. They are the bricks that keep our family strong despite our fleeting and conflicting feelings.

This cognitive moment reminds me of a story I heard off of Facebook of a lesbian couple. Their adopted son was worried that they were going to announce a divorce. But instead, his mothers called him to take a special ride in their RV. To his relief and joy, they were celebrating hitting 100,000 miles on the odometer as a family. There was no divorce on the horizon, just many more miles to share in this imperfect life.

And that's how I feel about every time we pile in our car (whichever one is working at the moment, tongue in cheek) to go to a special event. We know they are all milestones and testaments to our family story. We choose to forget the bitter moments and we proudly display the ones that show our strength.

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So I pray:

God, I ask that you anoint all of these family moments to shape our families into your ideal for relationship and love. May all of our imperfections just remind us that we need you to fill in those gaps so that we have an overflow with which to care and minister to ourselves and others. Let us dedicate specific moments to you as we attempt to align with your Word and bring a bit of your Heavenly love on Earth. In your Great Name I humbly pray. Amen.

God bless you~

Raw Potential Through Shifts of Perspective

 Photo Credit: coachdayne.com

I've taken up a new hobby of sorts that has fueled a lot of my researching and creative energies. All of that to say- in that process of putting effort into this new endeavor (for personal benefit), I've come to the realization that God wants us to see value in even the least of things or people. We are not finished products. We are still masterpieces in the making. He calls us to see things as raw materials to be redeemed for a new (and perhaps a better) purpose. He wants us to have the grower's mentality (thank you, Pastor Jimmy Evans of Marriage Today Ministries). He wants us to sow and reap by exponential numbers.

Have you ever reveled in the fact that one seed that becomes a plant has the POTENTIAL to seed an infinite number of future plants of the same kind as long as they are tended to. I started to see that I was still throwing things away that could be of value to me or at least someone else in another part of the world. I started to think of what I am doing that could be shared with the rest of the world, especially the less fortunate.

This lesson in perception has taught me that God doesn't want us to give up on people, relationships and the things that HE values. This tree that you are looking at is ancient: think of all of the people that sat in its shade or all of the squirrels that perched on the branches. Think of the person that planted the plant that provided the seed for this tree.

This person that you interact with on a particular day may not be your cup of tea and may not suit YOUR purposes. But this exact person has infinite value to God and in the scope of HIS KINDGOM unbeknownst to you. Mine that person for their INTRINSIC value- not what you want to get out of them. Think of their potential. Think of the people they influenced in their lives. Think about their energy footprint in this timeline we call life.

I feel challenged to value the things that God values. I want to think "It's not just... it's a future..." or "He's not just the person I see right now... but the future version of him who has yet to come to be."  I want to hold on to you a little longer. I don't want to bring any more into my life until I truly see the breadth of provision I have in my life- to my ability.

My main idea is a prayer that we see treasure in things that are not shiny, new or obvious. I pray a spirit of thanks to wash over us for the provision that God has so lovingly bestowed upon us. I pray that we become overwhelmed by the unmined bounty in our lives. I pray these words in his ever wise Name, Amen.

Blessings to you~

Find your voice

 Photo Credit: www.valewisham.org.uk

I read a very personal story of a blogger I have been following... a very successful blogger. I felt like I was intruding on her life details, but then again, she shared it with the hopes to touch other people's lives. Consider me touched- in the abstract sense.

I find the subject of depression to be very elusive and yet so crushing. I had a mother who fought depression. I fought depression when I went off to college- the first time. I've read about depression. I've been the person to try to pick up the pieces of someone else's depression. I've been the friend who has ushered a friend to their therapy session. It is insidious and very personal.

I believe that depression works the best on people who are non-conforming... the people who are less influenced by others. I also believe that depression is a product of not giving our experiences a voice... suppressing  something so strong that it leaves us utterly fragile. Depression is good for people who dwell in denial; speaking of the people who are just sad but don't know why. Depression plagues people who weren't empowered at key points in their life.

Depression is a hard enemy to attack because it dwells in our own meat-suits (thank you, Dean of "Supernatural"). The power of our depression is the same as the power we hold if we were to turn the monster on its head and did wonderful things in our lives. Depression is the thing that feeds off all of the incidental things that go wrong in our lives- red lights, breaking things, forgetfulness. Depression lets us attribute all of those insignificant things to us being not good enough and incapable of good things.

Depression is something that cannot be buried, pressurized and produce diamonds. We have to combat it with the opposite spirit of future thinking, possibility thinking, the fact that we cannot predict future failure unless we become an active partner to the prediction. I can liken depression to the judgement stage of our every day lives. Creativity and productivity cannot come from judgment especially upon ourselves.What if we just reserve a time where we suspend this judgement in favor for just being, creating, doing.

It's funny that my answer to depression comes from my English Composition class textbook, "The Curious Writer." In it Bruce Ballenger instructs his students to suspend judgement on their writing (or in my metaphor of appraising our lives of a depressed mindset). He taunts us to first write badly as if to produce a huge slab of marble from which to chip away at and EXPOSE a great piece of art.

I will never forget this class because 1) I got over my fear of writing badly since English was my second language and 2) it was one of the few times I got an A in English in my academic career.  It was powerful to get the permission to have bad writing in my history, or a bad hour or two in my living history. The biggest travesty would be to not create, not to have a voice and not to live with some light hearted moments.

If we were truly honest with ourselves, we could just admit that part of depression is indulging in self pity and denying our blessings. That is really shortchanging our already imperfect and wanting lives. Imagine if every time we take something for granted that it would be taken away... how many of us would be left with NOTHING.

So I say that our emotions do warrant a piece of our harnessed energy. We can allow ourselves "a time" to feel depressed. It is surprising how quickly the blues go away when we only lease part of our day to negativity. Like: "Right now I have to sort through these sad thoughts. And in an hour, I will go for a walk in the fresh air." Our minds only go where we let it, unless we are in a coma.

Sometimes the best thing we can do for our depressed states is to enjoy something subjective like being in nature, rhythmic drumming or painting. Subjective activity really leaves so much to the "perspective" that it is hard to really "judge" in the first place. Or else, try something repetitive and meditative; like make those dozens of cookies you've put off for lack of "time" or hem those pants and fix the buttons of your clothes that are lying around.

Have a comfort box or corner in your house. Keep your best loved things, memorabilia, pictures handy to access during your "blues." Make your favorite comfort foods and feel them banish the sadness. Write a letter to yourself the next time you get sad with the things that helped you previously get through it. Be your best friend until the sadness subsides.

Believe me, I'm not trying to sound "problem-less" as if I don't have reason to be sad. I've had my share of heart aches, betrayals, failures and traumas. But they only plague me if I look backward. If I stay in the present, then I have my wonderful family, college, large house, paid off cars, no revolving debt... etc.  And when I look into the future, I see redemption, fruition, growth, endless potential in all of my family. The lasting legacy I will leave is what I have yet to produce and not sourced from my distant past.

Pain is only for a time. Like, the pain of labor. I learned this time around that if I worked WITH my body that the pain would not last as long and that it would be more PRODUCTIVE than if I fought with it like the first time around. So- I went from an 18 hour labor to a 4 hour labor from just working with the pain. To me, 4 hours of pain wins out hands down every time. Let pain be your temporary friend for transformation.

Most importantly, find your voice...