It's a woman thing...

 Photo Credit: sabbathrestmagazine.com

The father wound sets us up for relational handicaps, but the "mother wound" cripples our sense of self and well-being. I read the article I linked in the opening sentence "Why it’s Crucial for Women to Heal the Mother Wound" by Bethany Webster. This sort of article is so very shaking and upsetting to me because I have not one but TWO mothers: one who lives a parallel life in Korea and an adoptive mother who has been estranged from me for many years. Add on to that significance of the fact that I am a mother to a daughter.

It's true. I find myself feeling a sense of shame every time I admit to my daughter with emotion in my voice that I will never be perfect... that I have feelings too. I feel the weight of every word I say and don't say. I know how much potential I have to emotionally handicap my daughter. There's never a moment that I feel the quality of the influence I have on her. 

The truth for me is that I cannot heal my mother wound, at least not without some dialogue. Spiritually, I do my best to forgive and to bless what I cannot resolve with my mothers. I have two obligations and measures worth of baggage, loyalty and respect. But I've stopped handing them the power over my feeling of well-being. They do not determine how I feel about myself. I don't make excuses for them. I name the way they damaged me. I didn't make a silent vow that I couldn't be okay until everything was copacetic with my mothers. I knew better than to put such an impossible stipulation on my health.

When I see anything weak or unsightly in my daughter, I immediately take stock through my mental file cabinet of my mistakes with her and try to assign my mistakes to her faults. By God's grace, not all of her imperfects fall on my shoulders- but most do. It's just the reality of the situation. We are just too close to each other for her not to absorb some of me that I wish could just keep to my self. 

I guess my situation is a hybrid to the blended family situations of today. Fifty percent of families in America today are blended families. That means, excluding deceased parents, each child potentially has two mothers. I do my best to train my daughter to respect her stepmother and to give her grace. I do my best to help her give her stepmother the benefit of the doubt. I try to impart on her that it is ok to see us make mistakes and that they are ours to shoulder- not hers. 

But that's assuming that an eight year old understands what I speak of and how she might go about making herself impervious the free radicals I've shared with her. The one thing I really really truly didn't want to pass on. I know I'm not perfect. I remember that one time I sat in the hallway pregnant and crying to my black cat "How can I be a mother to a girl?" It was as if I knew she was going to be damaged by me even before she was part of this world. 

It's no mistake that my disastrous relationships with my mothers have set the stage for me to shy away from making female friends. But according to the article, Bethany suggests that friendships where women can support each other and let each other vent and mourn our wounds are the best safeguards against passing on the mothering uglies to our daughters. What is a Meredith to do?

For now, I cry out to God. He aches to fill in the void... as many as I have. But he will only step in if I invite him and invoke his relationship with me. He can cover the sins of my mothers and of my own. He can be that protection, the anti-oxidant that protects my daughter from my free radicals. There is no option to be apart because abandonment is another type of pain. We- are in a conundrum of not wanting to damage and yet not wanting to abandon our children. Lord help us.

So- if you didn't already feel down- I can only imagine you're already there by this sentence. I'm sorry for that. But let me pray over you that God would bless your relationship with your mothers and your daughters. I ask that God supply us with an extra helping of peace, humility, self love and grace so that we may give the surplus to our own children.  God made mothers not out of dust but out of flesh so they could feel genuinely and so we could be set apart from the rest of creation. Let us live up to the expectation that we be the crown of his creation. He wills it so. Passing on God's love to you~ Amen.

Have a Vision for those closest in Your Life

 Photo Credit: GBCDecatur.org

There is a mysterious phenomena where a person can do something X amount of times and fail whereas out of the blue they end up succeeding. To what do we attribute such a mixed bag out of one person? Aren't people fairly consistent as a whole? Is a cheater really always a cheater because of WHO he or she is, or because of the people who never change their mind about that said offender?

How come one person can get the best version of a wife and the husband can get the worst? How come children get great reports at school and perplex their parents with obstinate behavior at home? Why can't people be the same across the board? Why does it hurt so much to get the short end of the relational stick?

This very conundrum has plague me about myself and others for some time. In fact it touches on changes in self perception and identity. I'll use myself as the example: How can an Asian do very strongly in high school and find college so daunting? Is that really salient enough to warrant changing how I identify myself? Most of my life I identified myself (as well as in the eyes of others) as a nerd with much promise in life. I'm not saying I got voted most likely to succeed, but I did get distinguished opportunities like being a school representative for Massachusetts Girls State. I petitioned to do an AP class as an independent study and was able to do it successfully.

This inconsistency in my academic career was enough to make me shy away from ever doing it again for a good 12 years! I was afraid to prove this worse version of me if I repeated such a performance later in my life. Yet out of school, I continued to read high level literature, found every situation an opportunity to learn, spent time in "independent study" so to speak taking voice lessons, an art lesson or two and a few months taking gymnastics as a late twenty something. I even took a master's level teaching class with the approval of my hiring principal when I hadn't received a bachelor's degree. I was forced to go down new avenues without the luxury of first acclimating with it in the world of academia.

Lucky for me, when my counselor urged me to go back to school- I finally took the plunge. It was scary. I wasn't sure which version of me would come out on top. Not without challenge and timidity, I proved the first version of me to be true. I looked back and saw that that time of inconsistency was a huge time of stress and revelation in my life. I was not prepared to be a student AND take on the new quasi-adult world I was thrown into without the direction of my parents.

As an additional example, I've seen this fear in other people in my life. A fear of failing- AGAIN. A fear of having to judge oneself harshly and possibly change our self concept. That is a painful prospect. But for me, I realized that the safeguard to repeated failure is to first, of course, not do the same thing but also to have a positive vision for yourself. Or, let's say you have a loved one that is afraid to take that leap- I urge you to have a favorable vision for them as well- so much so that it is contagious and future telling.

My marriage is a testament to that principle. I did it for my husband and he's done it for me. We think the other is the most able, valuable and unique. We don't judge each other based on our past. It has been the most redemptive relationship that God has ever provided or will provide for me. It's that future positive mentality, at least for each other, that is a driving force for personal AND relational growth. May today's drudgery increase the glory for your future. I think that the healthiest mindset is to value everything you experience more than the things you have. And when you want something, try to satisfy that with something you already have materially.

As scary as it is to experience these events that challenge our self concept, I hope they give us (you) reassurance of who you are and how you are uniquely brilliant. Give it a try. Failure is permanent if you give up. Otherwise, suspend judgment and do/create. Like Bruce Ballinger, author of "The Curious Writer", suggests: ALTERNATE between judgement and creativity because they counteract each other. Do one at a time. Trust in that idea. Dare to take another stab at it... just not in the same exact way.

So- I challenge you readers to see your loved ones in the best light; even before they give you reason to. That intentional discipline could be the best gift you give to your child, parent, friend or spouse. There is nothing to lose from helping them lock on to a positive life trajectory- you will also benefit from their victory. Nothing is quite valued as much as knowing someone believed in you even when you didn't. Wouldn't you want to influence someone in that magical way as well?

[I pray a humble message over my readers. I pray that they dare to change their minds about that one person in their life that bothers them the most. I'd argue that hope is the most valuable ingredient to future success. It doesn't cost a thing. You could be responsible for someone turning their life around or for the Pygmalion Effect (a psychological concept). As far as I'm concerned, that is what Jesus did for us. He saw value in us, even as sinners. He believed that our best "act" was yet to come. I am so thankful for that...  Amen.]

Updated: 4/3/14

#believethebest #facingfear #selfconcept

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Good Luck Adopted Child... a reflection on news about the show "Good Luck Charlie"

The show "Good Luck Charlie" is introducing for the first time a lesbian couple in the context of being parents. Ok, so I'm going to talk about this from the adoptee standpoint of view rather than from my Christian religious beliefs. Because the truth is, we need to get to the root of the problem. The root of the problem is that HETEROSEXUAL people are having BABIES and not taking care of them. The fact that there are unclaimed babies out there to begin with gives same-sex couples the opportunity to adopt these family-needing children. So- shame on us heterosexuals for messing things up!

Also, think about the common phenomena of single mothers (heterosexual) who band to together to raise their kids to any extent (roommates or not). The fact is- it is very common for unmarried women to co-parent (a stretch but the influence is still valid) children together. How about the cliche "It takes a village to raise a child"? That child rearing thing is visceral and a part of us (women) genetically.

I am a fan of a child becoming a part of a family. That should be the end-game. I don't think a child should be family-less just because a homosexual couple unmarried in the sight of the law is pursuing adoption. That is just ludicrous. Two heterosexual people don't need to be married to "make"  and parent a child so why do same-sex couples need to be legally married to adopt? I think if two people want to adopt a child together and share that responsibility for the rest of their lives they should be able to adopt. Parenting is the real deal- there is no breaking of those bonds (unless the parenting was horrendous and the child pursues legal action).

Parenting should be less about body parts and more about the continual sacrifice in the direction of the child and the bond with the other parent. I don't think we need to even consider how parents get intimate. The focus needs to be on honoring the "role" of being a parent. Don't take it for granted. Heterosexual couples- don't parade your kids around the food stamp office while a same-sex couple would die to parent a child and keep them out of government aid. We take parenting for granted- period. It is a privilege whether or not the child is biological.

I think to become a parent (through adoption or otherwise) we should have to furnish a certificate of parent training rather than a legal marriage document. Fertility should be guarded to only the people who will do parenting justice as fallible broken people. Now getting back to the show "Good Luck Charlie," I am a fan of their introducing a same-sex couple FOR THE CHILDREN who have same-sex parents. I'm happy that they can see something in media that mirrors their circumstances. As an internationally adopted child, I yearned to see multi-racial families in real life. I yearned to see Asians in media. That was good for me. I don't care how much you could care less about what I NEEDED to see. I'm glad that I got to see enough of  it to feel good about the things I couldn't choose or change on my own as a minor.

So there you have it, my readers. The above are my reflections on the development in Disney's news-breaking show. Sending my love, blessings and good karma to all parents out there who are doing their darndest for their sons and daughters!

#Adoption should be for #parents who want to do #parenting #justice and not just #fitthemold.