The harm in rewarding when it is not deserved

Sometimes we think that inaction is not a "choice". But I argue that not making a choice also has it's own consequences. Many times not making the choice is as good as a "no."

Let's say you are in a very hard position: conflicting loyalties, pivoting on guilt, etc. Let's also say- you are the only one who can improve a situation. Rather than choose- you do nothing, say nothing, avoid it altogether. That is a death blow to the person who needs your strength, security and influence. It relegates the person to live in a workable conflict; but without action- it will be an ongoing conflict. By not doing anything, you are asking the person to put up with the state of things because you can't figure out what your purpose is and what is the most important.

Sorry to say, but I think men are most to blame in this area. Women are more apt to make a decision (even if it's sorely received) than to leave people hanging and worrying about being held accountable. They will live, speak and act with conviction. Men will wait for an external component of the situation to shift and act when he's most likely going to have a win-win situation, or at least a win situation. Unfortunately, life presents us many excruciating decisions that will each have their own thorns. Life doesn't shift so that we can win; life itself doesn't care about biases or turns.

If my child is hurting another child, I have to be able to hang the "loyalty" card for the "teaching" card and correct my child within the context of the situation. If I don't act on it, I will give my child the idea that they can harm people without repercussions. It gives the parent the message that you don't parent according to what's right. To the parent, you have just caved to a child a fraction of your own age. Is that really a win?

Let's say, we don't want it to be "our child" that ruins a plan, but on this day life hands you a child, your child, who picks the worst time to be naughty. Do we ignore this bad behavior because it's unbearable that the source is our own child? Or do we carry out our intention of not rewarding bad behavior. Believe me, I've been there and it felt horrible to do the right thing!

Let's err with the side of "if the situation makes you want to make an exception to the rule- this is THE TIME to live out the rule." Get cozy with that uncomfortable feeling, may I call it a feeling of sabotage or failure? But- it happens... and from what I've heard, it happens to everybody!

Loyalty to people misleads our decisions and judgments. Loyalty to our convictions and to character may hurt- but you can never go wrong by going this way. Come on people- make the hard decisions!

God changed my focus

I've learned a great deal over the past month or two. God primed my mind to change its orientation.
My husband showered me with sacrificial care as I got closer to labor and birthing our Gabriel. And, like an act of God, Gabriel has done magic on our family. I've seen things in my family that I haven't seen before his arrival. I've seen love in action and in unexpected places. The next time you look at a pineapple, think about the many pineapples my husband cut for me and the think about the hundreds of black spines he ripped off each one so lovingly.

I feared that all men would be callous to my pain. I feared that all men would be ambivalent to their newborns. I just didn't want to accept that as reality. And God led me to suspend judgment until I went through these things with my husband. I'm so glad I listened!

I feared that when I called upon help, that I was admitting defeat. But God said, "No child. You are being humble like I call all of you to be. I am here to help through my human hands and feet." And God made sure to provide wonderful hands and feet to do his work (my mother in law) in my life. She has made a huge difference in our hearts... at least my heart. She said things that spoke God's message to me that it is okay to make the choice we made; and many have made the same choice and have lived to see the benefits of that path.

I heard God's conviction of my errors in parenting. He called me out on being a hypocrite. He made me see that my techniques for parenting were related to my childhood and no longer applicable to my present life. He showed me without question, that I was doing the same thing that I was frustrated with in others. He called me out on something that I wasn't even aware of in myself. Thank God. I need to change those unsightly parts of my mind and behavior.

I think that the zinger with free will is that it has given us a compulsion to manipulate. He gives us free will to submit to His will. But even our God doesn't force us to do his will.  Why do we trying to intimidate others to do our own will? I think the answer to this is fairly innocuous. We as humans, and weak of faith (yes, that is me many times), are focused on results. God doesn't care about results. Yet, we are driven to do anything to get results, and then lift up the results to the Glory of God, or to our own glory. Well, God has nothing to do with manipulation.

Another wrench in the free will issue is that children, left to their free will, often go astray in dangerous ways. So how do we balance being their first model of a god to be true to God's ways AND help them avoid dangerous or unhealthy paths? My conclusion is that we have no true bearing on what they choose but we must hold fast to our modeling for them. The modeling will hold true even when we land in our graves. It's the modeling that lives on. If I model manipulation, then that will be my legacy. If I model God's wise lessons, I will leave them behind as the exterior conscience for my kids and generations to come.

God doesn't focus on our performance. He focuses on our hearts and our choices as far as they conform to his teaching. I cannot go wrong as a parent if I do as He does. The results land on the recipient and are not held against me on judgment day. In that lesson, I have to trust. In God, I have to trust.
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So I pray:

God, I know you are not done polishing my heart and my character. I ask you to continue to give me the lessons that I will be proud to leave behind for my own children. I thank you for being so gentle and yet clear about your messages to me. You are greater than I could even fathom. I ask that you continue to bless my family and my audience as they find their way to you in their own relationship with a most Perfect Parent so that they may become better parents themselves through your modeling. I submit more and more of my life to you each day through your ever present and unfailing invitation. Amen.

I wish I realized sooner

My heart aches for you... the way you hid it away from anymore harm in your fantasy fortress. I'm sorry I couldn't help you feel some hope and not wither. I would have handled you differently, more tenderly. I know how strong you tried  to be, how much you understood so young. I'm glad that you still hold on to some innocence... don't let it corrupt all of you... all of your life.

I wish for you comfort, security, respect (self and otherwise) and success. I can't take the pain away, but I will face it with you if you let me. Even if you don't- I will pray that you will with another person.

Please don't drown your frustration and sorrow in food and things. They are bandaids that will never completely cover your wound. I'm sorry we tried to minister to you where you really hoped we would. I wish we could have read your mind to find your main source of pain. I'm sorry we let you down. You are special and so worth it.

I would volunteer to  shoulder your burdens for a few days to loosen the grip of your hell. I wish I could  give them a piece of my mind. Your pain is not lost to me. I see you. I love you.

God, I pray for the wisdom and eyes to minister to hurting souls with your Mighty accuracy and tenderness. I pray that I won't be blindsighted again to one of your children's agony. I pray this in your Loving Name, amen.