I'm talking about the inner friction we feel when we experience things in life that aren't so black and white. My psychology book refers to cognitive dissonance; when we're driven to do something that is out of character or out of line with our goals.
It's the clue that we are on the brink of being hypocrites. It should be that internal trigger that makes us wait a minute before we make an unwise move. Take a pre-preemptive strike on regret or remorse.
_________________________________________________________________________________
The other day, I felt that inner friction as I was trying to help my husband find a popular coffee store on our drive home from picking up my daughter. I could see that he was visibly tired, he wouldn't let me drive, and he said he wanted some of that coffee. But he also said that he would only go in if it were on the right side of the road. Of course, the only ones that I remembered were on the left side of the road. I felt he was being too picky, plus we still had school work to do and hopefully couple time later that night. I foresaw him being wrecked for the whole night. So I playfully said "Well, I guess you're too picky to get coffee then."
And then husband got quiet (angry). I didn't catch on for a few minutes. I said "Oh man, did I hurt your feelings?" Then I had to spend a few minutes backpedaling and patching up my error. I had no intention of hurting him at all. I wanted to help him and he wouldn't let me and I was led astray by that inner tension. I should have allowed him the space to choose tiredness. I used to do that a lot more earlier in our relationship.
_________________________________________________________________________________
My relief comes from the fact that at least with my daughter, she calls me on my vices. She does not elevate me to be perfect and I do my best to cop to my mistakes. I do have many moments that I intentionally say things to repair faults or to address the obvious. I don't think people should have incorrect understanding of me and at the same time I welcome them to speak the truth. (Why else do we think a high percentage of abuse and crimes don't get reported?) I hope when I clarify things, people will adjust their understanding of my words and actions. I don't care to censor people unless they misunderstood me... and that is the only area I feel qualified to speak into their life experience.
My husband righteously pointed out to me that I needed to give him emotional freedom to feel what he feels and to get through it in his time and only help if he asks. At the same time, it is healthy to have a loved one point out the positive as an option but not as an expectation. We need to accept each other and our emotional extensions of ourselves (outside of abuse). We need to accept each other's weighed words and not impose emotional or verbal censorship. We need to accept that we can feel the opposite things at the same time and it is completely O.K.
_________________________________________________________________________________
I don't think that our tension with these opposites are necessarily of evil origins, but more of our compulsion to make things more simple. I disagree when only one thought process is "accepted" and the rest are thrown out. What happened to "free speech", "freedom of press", "and freedom of censorship"? Did the people who were convinced the world was flat get lynched when they were found out to be wrong? When does solidarity get higher priority over being truth based or purely subjective? If I'm (or you're) only speaking about myself (or yourself), what business does anyone else have to speak about it at all?
I read an article on the groupthink theory as an explanation of the Challenger disaster in 1986. I think the fear of censorship, not voicing the same as others, was enough to lead to the unfortunate explosion. In that situation, don't you wish that person didn't feel censored or pressured- and had just presented his evaluation that there was a critical fault that should be fixed before liftoff.
Tuesday, April 30, 2013
Monday, April 29, 2013
Reassurance in being under scrutiny...
People who are under scrutiny are more likely to act righteously than people who act without discretion.
_________________________________________________________________________________
Accountability is usually connected to our level of conscience. The amount of accountability we allow upon ourselves usually corresponds with how much we are driven by our conscience and morals and religious standards. When someone scrutinizes you, consider it God's sign that you are not the hypocrite. The one UNDER scrutiny is usually able to course correct if they need to, but many times- they are scrutinized because they have offended others- and not necessarily maliciously. It is something to be expected in the life of a God fearing person or otherwise.
________________________________________________________________________________
Scrutiny is something we should invite into our lives especially if we feel we are doing what is right and being truthful. The aim is not to get people's approval- we need God's blessing most of all. If anything we have full right to claim the truth in our subjective experiences - philosophers have argued on this for all time. Objective truth is an illusion altogether. There are many variations of the truth to be experienced by us all.
There is the philosophical Kantian stance of "categorical imperative" (wiki-Kant; moral philosophy) where we should only do things that we should do to everyone at all times. This is an extremely high standard of living with a huge emphasis on striving to do things out of moral obligation. This is beyond the Golden Rule. I also appreciate that Kant was a God-fearing and defending philosopher. Basically, I see Kant as saying- there is never a time that our actions shouldn't be weighed. To say that a person never, always anything- is quite preposterous. Most people are NOT categorically anything especially if they interact with other people. And to claim such things is to blatantly exaggerate. I have faith that people can spot exaggerations.
_________________________________________________________________________________
There is a fallacy that we must say things or believe things that are pleasing to most or all others. We must construct our worlds to where we can be comfortable to defend our actions and beliefs. There is really no such thing as complete solidarity. There is no way to completely avoid conflict. Ultimately, why do we want to impress earthly fallen people who will have no bearing on your eternal life? If I'm a hypocrite, chances are, many other people are too- that is the nature of being a sinner. If I'm going to try to live up to anyone else's standards- it will be those of my Almighty God. In other words- are there ANY eternal rewards for pleasing earthly people?
I'm okay with the dualities that people project. I can accept that people can love me and also hurt my feelings. I understand that I can be someone's friend but maybe not BEST friend. I understand that I am called to love my biological family, adoptive family and eternal family. I understand that I am called to live righteously and also repent of my mistakes. I understand where I correct my bad habits, I'll have other ones to weed out of my life- with the accountability of my trusted friends and of God.
And most of all, I can understand feeling utter love drown out any roots of relational pain. Yes, I said it- p.a.i.n.
God Bless you all...
_________________________________________________________________________________
Accountability is usually connected to our level of conscience. The amount of accountability we allow upon ourselves usually corresponds with how much we are driven by our conscience and morals and religious standards. When someone scrutinizes you, consider it God's sign that you are not the hypocrite. The one UNDER scrutiny is usually able to course correct if they need to, but many times- they are scrutinized because they have offended others- and not necessarily maliciously. It is something to be expected in the life of a God fearing person or otherwise.
________________________________________________________________________________
Scrutiny is something we should invite into our lives especially if we feel we are doing what is right and being truthful. The aim is not to get people's approval- we need God's blessing most of all. If anything we have full right to claim the truth in our subjective experiences - philosophers have argued on this for all time. Objective truth is an illusion altogether. There are many variations of the truth to be experienced by us all.
There is the philosophical Kantian stance of "categorical imperative" (wiki-Kant; moral philosophy) where we should only do things that we should do to everyone at all times. This is an extremely high standard of living with a huge emphasis on striving to do things out of moral obligation. This is beyond the Golden Rule. I also appreciate that Kant was a God-fearing and defending philosopher. Basically, I see Kant as saying- there is never a time that our actions shouldn't be weighed. To say that a person never, always anything- is quite preposterous. Most people are NOT categorically anything especially if they interact with other people. And to claim such things is to blatantly exaggerate. I have faith that people can spot exaggerations.
_________________________________________________________________________________
There is a fallacy that we must say things or believe things that are pleasing to most or all others. We must construct our worlds to where we can be comfortable to defend our actions and beliefs. There is really no such thing as complete solidarity. There is no way to completely avoid conflict. Ultimately, why do we want to impress earthly fallen people who will have no bearing on your eternal life? If I'm a hypocrite, chances are, many other people are too- that is the nature of being a sinner. If I'm going to try to live up to anyone else's standards- it will be those of my Almighty God. In other words- are there ANY eternal rewards for pleasing earthly people?
I'm okay with the dualities that people project. I can accept that people can love me and also hurt my feelings. I understand that I can be someone's friend but maybe not BEST friend. I understand that I am called to love my biological family, adoptive family and eternal family. I understand that I am called to live righteously and also repent of my mistakes. I understand where I correct my bad habits, I'll have other ones to weed out of my life- with the accountability of my trusted friends and of God.
And most of all, I can understand feeling utter love drown out any roots of relational pain. Yes, I said it- p.a.i.n.
God Bless you all...
Sunday, April 28, 2013
Make sure you know precisely what and who you are angry about.
Don't let innocent people take the brunt of your unfinished business... I learned too late.
_________________________________________________________________________________
When people disappoint each other, usually the reaction is the emotion of anger. And once we get past the anger, we usually replace it with fear of being disappointed or hurt in the same way again. These fears are the triggers for anger in our present life.
I am not a fan of giving in to triggers or using them as an excuse to "blow off steam" in the present. I do think they can provide useful indicators of the things that we need to work on. If we can confront the issue with the other person, confront it and put it to rest. If we can't confront it, we need to place boundaries for ourselves so we don't damage our present relationships.
_________________________________________________________________________________
Sometimes things are so painful and shameful to talk about that it precludes the sufferer from communicating their struggle with the triggers. For instance, I know someone who grew to hate cats because the person they lived with collected cats and wouldn't clean up after them. I could have an issue with that PERSON knowing that I personally adore cats. Or I could tenderly see that they could use support in this sensitive area and give them grace.
_________________________________________________________________________________
For me, I have a hard time sharing with others my sensitivity about money spent on me and my daughter. I started out poor, got poorer in the orphanage and then was whisked into a wealthy lifestyle. For some reason I triggered anger in my father about his provision that he used to accuse me of being ungrateful and undeserving. This birthed my own trigger of feeling like my worth was stolen from me.
_________________________________________________________________________________
Looking back, I think the core of my father issues were mainly unspoken and had roots in my father's past with his own father. It made me think that my father's issues with me weren't with me at all but his weird way of dealing with unfinished business with HIS father. And- my issues with my adoptive dad were colliding with his problems and also my biological father problems. It's as though we expected each other to solve problems that didn't even involve the other person. It was a complicated and doomed expectation that we had for each other.
Now that my father has passed away, I lament his pain. People in pain cause pain. I feel sorry that he never heard from me- "Hey Dad, I wish I could have understood you more so that I could have been closer to you." My guess is that his own father said those things to him and I just triggered that feeling of worthlessness in him unbeknownst to me at those ages.
At least for me- understanding changes everything; it doesn't EXCUSE, but it puts me on the express lane to giving others grace. I guess the uber level of grace giving would be to not require explanations for the dispense of grace. I still have many years to work up to that (God willing).
_________________________________________________________________________________
When people disappoint each other, usually the reaction is the emotion of anger. And once we get past the anger, we usually replace it with fear of being disappointed or hurt in the same way again. These fears are the triggers for anger in our present life.
I am not a fan of giving in to triggers or using them as an excuse to "blow off steam" in the present. I do think they can provide useful indicators of the things that we need to work on. If we can confront the issue with the other person, confront it and put it to rest. If we can't confront it, we need to place boundaries for ourselves so we don't damage our present relationships.
_________________________________________________________________________________
Sometimes things are so painful and shameful to talk about that it precludes the sufferer from communicating their struggle with the triggers. For instance, I know someone who grew to hate cats because the person they lived with collected cats and wouldn't clean up after them. I could have an issue with that PERSON knowing that I personally adore cats. Or I could tenderly see that they could use support in this sensitive area and give them grace.
_________________________________________________________________________________
For me, I have a hard time sharing with others my sensitivity about money spent on me and my daughter. I started out poor, got poorer in the orphanage and then was whisked into a wealthy lifestyle. For some reason I triggered anger in my father about his provision that he used to accuse me of being ungrateful and undeserving. This birthed my own trigger of feeling like my worth was stolen from me.
_________________________________________________________________________________
Looking back, I think the core of my father issues were mainly unspoken and had roots in my father's past with his own father. It made me think that my father's issues with me weren't with me at all but his weird way of dealing with unfinished business with HIS father. And- my issues with my adoptive dad were colliding with his problems and also my biological father problems. It's as though we expected each other to solve problems that didn't even involve the other person. It was a complicated and doomed expectation that we had for each other.
Now that my father has passed away, I lament his pain. People in pain cause pain. I feel sorry that he never heard from me- "Hey Dad, I wish I could have understood you more so that I could have been closer to you." My guess is that his own father said those things to him and I just triggered that feeling of worthlessness in him unbeknownst to me at those ages.
At least for me- understanding changes everything; it doesn't EXCUSE, but it puts me on the express lane to giving others grace. I guess the uber level of grace giving would be to not require explanations for the dispense of grace. I still have many years to work up to that (God willing).
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)