As I can compare a
hospital delivery with most interventions, having a doula, having a midwife,
waterbirth, not having a doula, going through natural birth… I see them as two
different worlds; one through a medical construct and one through a woman’s
natural construct.
I was naïve to think
that I could (and planned to have) a natural birth at a place of medical
interventions. My slight disappointment was unfounded. The fact that my labor
was long and overly tiring shouldn’t be a surprise. The fact that my daughter
came out drugged and didn’t cry shouldn’t have been a surprise. The surprise
was not being able to see her for an hour after her birth. The biggest surprise
was how much I valued having a doula.
Even in my contrasting
birth experience at the midwifery, I noticed the difference a doula makes in
such a monumental process in a family’s life. What I found missing in the
absence of a doula, was augmented by my feeling of transcendent peace and
strength that failed to arrive with me at the hospital the first time around. But I guess for me, the
doula represented a mother figure that for this particular pregnancy I mourned.
I originally abandoned
my body’s sensibilities toward knowing my labor signs because I had so much
going on in that “period of reckoning.” But, that morning of MY Birth Day, I
was in tune with my body in the same way I knew I was about to birth my first.
I combated my societally influenced fears and reservations (pain, being discrete
with bodily functions, nudity). My inner birthing spirit told me not to fear;
giving me the idea that it would be a travesty not to recognize that I AM the
driving power and strength BEHIND (not at the mercy of) the sensations. That at
this juncture I was to acknowledge the true force of my female power and align
WITH it; to trust that a (MY) body would not harm itself in such a sacred life
process. How do we expect progress in labor, or otherwise, if we contradict or
counteract our own power/wisdom?
The biggest revelation
to me about the birth was that since I did not know when to anticipate the pain
of the crowning, I got through it without fear or hesitation. I didn’t have the
opportunity to hold back and I didn’t have to put more effort or rein in more “bravery”
to do it. Perhaps, it would have been a longer story if I had noticed that
turning point. Maybe we should disregard turning points if they impede the
completion of our goals and accomplishments.
I was surprised at how
much I wanted to kiss my husband during the labor… as if to take me back to the
beginning, to reaffirm what we cannot take back- that I have a burning desire
for him- body and spirit. My “drug” was the physical touch of my love. It was
experience I was hoping for.
I have a better
appreciation for my limits and my strengths. I have more respect for the power
of my body- one that media and medical professionals tell us we need their
product and expertise. I think of people who have gone through abuse and lose
touch of their inner power and I’m convinced that they would change their mind
through this process we call labor and birth in the re-birth of their soul. It
is at the point of giving birth that no one can TELL YOU who you are.
The first time I took
it lying down. This time I did it my way; upright in a reservoir of water- the
most powerful element on Earth. I was not just an active participant, I steered
the process and saw it to the end. I am so thankful that my husband led me
through this journey that for him he saw was the best for our child; but really,
a woman knows, it was transcendent experience. The best part of all was that he
believed in me.
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