In Your Language

Monday, July 21, 2014

My Balancing Act

This blog is my selfish labor of love. 

It steals from the other areas of my life. I have a serious college career I need to go all in on. Most importantly, I have a 1 year old that needs all of the time I can give him until the crucial developmental age of three years old. I want to give him as much attention as I can since I am so blessed to be able to stay home with him until I finish my schooling.

With my daughter, I went to part-time work at nine months. By thirteen months, I took on a full time position at the company and became a single mother. I spent as much time as I could with my daughter, but I still felt like someone else was raising her and seeing her firsts. 

She was a late potty trainer and late talker. To be honest, I was very concerned. It wasn't until I quit my job when she was 3.5 years old that she made a turn around. She quit diapers and started talking within a week. It was miraculous. I wasn't even a perfect mother, and yet, it was ME that she needed.

So now, I have a new chance to relish my son's firsts. I don't have to miss a thing. I learned that child development and brain development thrives off of strong and loving attachments (relationships) with the parents. I am a healthier person than I was 10 years ago. I'm wiser. I want to capitalize on my life experiences, budding wisdom and the books I internalized.

I'm struggling to do everything (blogging, schooling, parenting, wife-dom) well (as if I ever did). But, I have to confront it and recognize that since I'm not making money off this endeavor, that I will have to ease off on the time and effort I pour into it. 

I'm going to catch up on my comments because that is one of my pet peeves about leaving comments on other posts that are never responded to. (How else are people going to reciprocate for the shares?) I want to back off with my blog register "balanced." 

I will continue writing one post a week if I have the time. I appreciate the support thus far. Everything I've done with this blog has been worthwhile. But I am one of millions. Whereas, at home, I am the only mother, the only wife to "show up." I might have more time to write more posts while my husband deploys next year. But even then, I will be the only parent to make things happen.

If you are still mouse hungry, check out my links in the right sidebar. I had another blog You can see my archives in the interim. 

Take care of yourself and your loved ones. Do the invaluable. Make ripples. Stand for something. Stand out. Sing. Write. Don't just vent, connect. =) 

Best wishes to you.

For Any Private Comments: E-mail link

Wednesday, July 16, 2014

Reaction to "Dawn of the Planet of the Apes" Movie

First of all, AWESOME MOVIE!

[Elle] You can't blame the apes. 
[Carver] Who the hell else am I going to blame?

Looking at Monkeys to Find Humanity:

in movies and in labs

Disclaimer: If you haven't seen this movie, don't read my post. Skip to the video at the end.

First Impressions:
  • I identified with Caesar; I was taken from my mother and raised by a family of a different culture. 
  • The portrayal of monkey politics shocked me. 
  • I was touched that Caesar wouldn't turn his back on humans. 
  • Caesar's trust was based on actions, rather than species.

How would Social Workers Handle Koba?

I'm trying to think and act as if I'm already a social worker based on what I learned up until now. I imagine Koba as one of my diverse clientele. We are taught to put our biases on a shelf and see the good in everyone. We would have to ignore the fact that he shot someone and staged a war. We would have to take the holistic view of what lead up to that decision, considering the decisions as meeting a goal or need.

I see Caesar as Koba's "social worker." He freed him from the institution (experimental lab) and gave him community that he never had before. Koba would go through cognitive behavioral counseling and anger management classes if he were a human instead of being thrown off the tower (monkey management). Human services strives to rehabilitate through their involvement.

Planet Ape Culture 

Social Construct

"Ape not kill ape" was their construct of "social contract theory." It is a collectivist culture where they all care for each other and the interests of the group supersede that of the individual monkey. 

Great Philosophers: Thomas Hobbes: social contract

Home and Family 

They were the only things worth fighting or not fighting for. Caesar forgave the shooting of his son Ash to spare a war that would kill even more of the monkey troop (still staged by Koba). Their home was the Redwood Forest, largely undisturbed by humans. The forest was a pocket of their native habitat surrounded by "civilization." Their home was built in a primal style, the way I would expect an apes with human mental facilities would. 


Spears were used to hunt for food and to defend against humans. Sign language was used as a shared language to make them unique from other monkey communities. They tamed horses for their use to symbolize they are not just "animals" but that they can subdue other animals like humans did to them.

A Scenario of Monkeys Revenge for Captivity

The screenwriters were careful to show a range of human behavior toward the lab monkeys, as well as to the freed monkeys. They purposefully showed that some monkeys saw the best of humans and some only saw the bad side of humans. 

Koba saw the bad side of the humans and manipulated the situation to incite a war of revenge. The human survivors were caged just like he and his fellow monkeys had been. The monkeys who didn't support his crusade were imprisoned. It was hard to tell if Koba was more monkey or human at that point. His overall platform was to seek justice and revenge for monkeys but it also seemed like a coup to take Caesar's position in the troop whilst shackling the dissenters. 

Tuesday, July 15, 2014

How I stopped living paycheck to paycheck

Money as a Brick and not as a Shovel...

Behaviorally, we had to discipline ourselves to our reality: income level and wealth. Psychologically, we needed to stop indulging our every last "want." Spiritually, we needed to value things that have no price-tag.

Disclaimer: I am not a licensed financial advisor. I hold no degrees in finance or economics. My husband is completing his masters degree in Business Management with a concentration in Economics. He has a bachelors degree in Finance. I am speaking from what worked for us. We started with a small inheritance and used it to pay off our cars and credit cards. We are committed to staving off remission of bad money habits.

Aside from those core things, I...

Friday, July 11, 2014

Equal Opportunity Pain

I no longer think that abandonment is an orphaned person's plight.

But, now I see that there is an epidemic of abandonment.

 Children abandoned by one parent

There are generations of people who were abandoned by one of their parents due to divorce and remarriage. In olden days, blended families were not as common. In other cultures, blended families are unheard of and many parents have severed their relationships with children from previous marriages. Abandonment of one parent is as painful as abandonment from both.

Children of Divorces with Sole Custody

Some individuals have court ordered parental abandonment. This is many times in the best interest of the child. But the circumstances are not understood or internalized in a healthy way by a lot of children. Then again, could any child be able to negotiate how it is better not to see a parent?

Children Living with Emotional Abandonment

I think that one of the most painful experience in life is to be with someone but to be denied relational gratification. It is not healthy for parents to look at their children "person needs" (emotional needs) as nuisances. If parents don't give their children the affirmation, they will seek it in less healthy places. 

Children Living with Parents Enmeshed with Addictions 

Usually addictions take center stage. That is why they are often unhealthy, especially at the expense of a developing and valuable child (all of them). Sadly, the children will seek marriage partners that treat them the same way in adulthood. I just wonder if the alcoholic parent hopes the child will marry another alcoholic person.

Wednesday, July 9, 2014

My life is Good: June

Life is Good

I'm going to make you tired of hearing how good my life is. (wink)

 June must be one of my favorite months. The weather is beautiful. The clothes are more fun. The grills are smelling great. We get a breather from the "big" month of May in our family. There are 3 birthdays in 3 days, Mother's Day, an anniversary and all of the end of school year activities in May. Recovery time = June

Developments with Family:

I hear some parents dread the summer with the kids home. And, I was tempted to feel that way too. But I've felt led to use it as an opportunity. When my daughter goes off with her father for summers, I am no longer grief stricken, but use that time to spend quality time with my other kiddos. We're going to go back on similar school schedules rather than staggered. But even then, I've had a time optimizing strategy. 

It's nice that the kids are more able to help around the house than last year. I've grown in my love for my other kids since the baby has been around. I love them because I am seeing a new side of them as role of big sister or big brother. 

Personal Developments:

I played around with the photos I shot with my new camera that I got for my birthday. I was also getting used to my first class at University of Phoenix and the way they set up their modules. I'm of new to this online AND team project stuff. I know I will have to work in teams in the future, so-be-it. My mind is on fire with processing my life and my studies. I feel on the top of my game, mentally.

Blog in Review:

I've made some new blogging friends by meeting in person. I had a Guest writer whose story was so compelling that it appeared on my "most popular posts" list. I wrote a guest piece on life after adoption for Psychologist Bob Brotchie at He was responsible for the I.C.E. Protocol for the cell-phone contacts list. I did 21 posts in June which is about 5 posts each week. What do you think about the variety? I had a slight dip in Alexa but I've maintained strong standing (whatever that means, smile). 

Tuesday, July 8, 2014


Irish?    <+>   Czechoslovakian?   <+>  Korean

 I was doing this project on the profile of adolescence for my Human Services Human Systems and Development class. And I couldn't help but consider myself in how I compared to the rest of teenagers of the past...

So I hope you see that I got the concept "Identity I.C.K." from Irish, Czechoslovakian and Korean. It is so apropos because I did feel much "ick" from my adolescent phase in life. The identity part just about did me in. It was hard enough being an early bloomer and Asian gal with a "rack." 

Sunday, July 6, 2014

Ten Things of Thankful July 6

I made a TToT Calendar

 DIY Marriage Conference 1. Marriage Conference: We were on the  waiting list for this conference funded by the United States National Guard. I was stoked when I heard that they had a spot for us WITH childcare. We've been blessed by a number of marriage and family programs offered through the military.

2. Surprise Card from my Mother in Law.

3. Lunch with Husband at Rumbi Grill. We found out that Gabriel does not like iced tea. LOL

Coffee Lovers Only®
4. I got to have Cold Stone twice in one week. Booyah! 

V-day 2012
5. Breakthrough with Husband:
He was attuned to my emotional well-being and had the courage to ask what was bothering me. I was able to talk to him about something that I was holding inside for a long time. He listened and we both came up with a strategy to put it past us. He said that it helped that I didn't seem angry at him. I felt safe in respectfully sharing something that bothered me. In the past, we would have been in a huge fight. I feel like we're in a really healthy stage in our marriage-- for the long haul. It feels amazing. I'm so blessed by him.  

My Cause

 I woke up this morning to this fundraising promotion. There was no hesitation on whether or not I would participate. If I were bringing in income, I would have donated more. I'm premeditating what my future income will fund: college educations for my children, a wedding that we have  yet to have, and more donations to causes that are important to me.
I've mentioned Jessie Hogsett before in a post called Response to Baby Moved to Tears. I believe I also suffered from this detachment with my adoptive family. I remember having separation anxiety when I was 13. If you ask me, that is extremely old to have such strong feelings towards being left by your parents. 

I don't talk about my ugly young adult stage that much because its, well, ugly. I should rephrase that. My inward existence as a young adult was ugly. On the outside, I was too busy playing musical instruments, writing and studying. But on the inside, I was reeling. I felt neglected and like a non-person in my own home. 

When I went off to college the first time, I started having horrible nightmares, insomnia and a relapse with an eating disorder. All of that led to what I refer to as a mental breakdown. I was a useless mess. I stopped taking my family's phone calls and I decided that I couldn't be healthy AND be in relationship with them. I'm not saying it's all their fault, but I still maintain that I did the right thing for me knowing that I was the only one who was looking out for me.

When my mother came to campus to confront me, she assumed the worst in me. She thought I was pregnant and on drugs. That was far from the truth. I knew at that moment that she didn't know me after 15 years of being "her daughter." I was struggling to make sense of the crap I went through without villainizing my parents whom I was supposed to go back home to over the summer. I just couldn't go back home. And- I never did go back "home." 

I knew that I had nothing going on with my adoptive father after an incident that is burned into my head. I was going to see this therapist when I was around 13 or 14. She kept talking to me like an idiot about her tea and rice. She was not very "culturally competent" and I picked up on it right away. ["Cultural competence" is a theme in my Human Services program.] 
My dumb teenage mouth told her how I'd tried to kill myself by taking a whole bottle of sleeping pills. I remember that day. My parents had no idea that I was "out." But, God intervened and pulled me out of that "sleep." I was disappointed and that was why I told my therapist. 

She was legally bound to tell my parents since I was a minor. That particular session, my father was picking me up. She told him that I had made an attempt on my life. All he could muster to say to me (in the most disgusted and unloving voice) was "How dare you do that to our family!" 

I couldn't handle that response on top of the numerous times he told me I should be "thankful," "grateful," and everything else speaking to the fact that he didn't think I deserved the parenting he was providing for me. I was emotionally done with them in that phase of my life. I knew I couldn't survive with that attitude from my parents. 

This was after I had nursed him to health after open heart surgery. I worked for my mother so she could have her dream flower shop. I dutifully mothered my mother the way she always begged me to fawn over her. I was emotionally dead

Wednesday, July 2, 2014

HELP is a four letter word

Robin Williams Checks into Rehab

(click link to view source)

[ This post is in no means an effort to judge Robin Williams. I consider him a gifted actor who needs help like anyone else. I thought I'd write about it since he's probably entered your mind recently. My admiration and blessing goes to him for being proactive with his struggle with addiction. When I am a Social Worker, I will be helping people with a range of challenges, alcoholism being one of them. ]

 HELP is a Four Letter Word

But I, and Robin Williams, don't want you to treat it as such. It doesn't involve violence. It gives rise to an opportunity to improve and to allow someone the honor of stepping into the "gap." It's acknowledging the limits of our personal skills and abilities. We were made with deficits that others could fill in for us in the context of relationship or a helping relationship. In turn, we also have skills that can plug into the deficits of other people. It is the basest reason for why we need each other. We lack and are skilled in different areas. I'm envisioning interlocking puzzle pieces.

Monday, June 30, 2014

A Plan, not Plan A

Perhaps, I give up to easily (at least compared to my husband). He will spend hours hell-bent on going or accomplishing what he set out to do. That being said, his frustration threshold is considerably lower than mine. It takes more to make me throw in the towel than him from situation to situation. 
I was noticing that there were some things that seemed to ruin our plans that turned out to work out probably better than the way we had envisioned it. I have learned to make inconveniences (to my plan) into opportunities for growth in unselfish ways.

Saturday, June 28, 2014

GUEST POST: Living with a History of Adoption

I recently seized the opportunity to submit a blog post on my experience of being adopted. A fellow blogger was so gracious to suggest to me this guest post opportunity with Anglia Counselling in England. I've also been able to meet a fellow blogger who I took forever to realize lives in my town! My husband has been so supportive lately of my blogging venture that he even offered to watch our three kids so I could have more time to fit in this labor of love!

I hope all of my efforts, although amateur, are shining through to you, my lovely reader. It's a thrill to grasp that hundreds of you are spend some of your precious minutes on my blog. Many thanks. I am doing my best to catch up with my comments. Please know that I'm also visiting your internet "domain" in the meantime. Like my business card says, I want to show you my appreciation by featuring you on my blog wherever I can. 

As I mentioned before, I have a guest blogging opportunity open to anyone who wants to blog about giving or receiving blessings and good karma. For more details, contact me at Thank you for stopping by! Blessings to you~

Living with a History of Adoption

The Sunday Post


Friday, June 27, 2014

Assumptions for Better Relationships

You are Safe to Assume that:

  1. People want Help
  2. People would do Better if They Knew a Different Way
  3. People Filter What they Hear
  4. People Don't Prefer to be Alone

Thursday, June 26, 2014

Ten Things of Thankful June 26

1. We went to the Renaissance Festival for the first time. I was a little anxious because taking 3 kids to the grocery store is a headache, why not a huge festival with thousands of people and ornate things to look at? Well, the joke was (pleasantly) on me! We had an awesome time we spent almost 6 hours at that place. Gabriel slept for 2 of those hours. The kids were well behaved. It rained but we stuck it out. We ate turkey legs, strawberry Italian ice in orange halves and some "adult" drinks. We saw a fire eater, sword swallower and a swashbuckling performance of "pirates.

2. Dinner at Los Dos Portrillos: After the Ren Fest, we said "heck, that went well enough, how about we finish the day at Dad's fav Mexican Restaurant in Colorado?" We went, we ate, we conquered the fear of eating out with 3 kids. Even Gabe at 13 months, ate his heart out of chicken, taco meat and rice and beans. Our bellies were full and no complaints. The heavens must have opened up on this particular day. =)

3. Gabriel found sure footing on this particular day last week. We were waiting for brother to finish his speech therapy. We were "camped out" on the lady's front yard. Gabriel zoomed around on the grass, over the sidewalk and examined the trees from his new vantage point. We shared a lollipop and had a relaxing time. It went by fast and it was a beautiful day.

4. Robert and I had a spectacular night where we did pretty much everything we've wanted to do in the span of time that we normally have but never accomplish that much. So we worked out, played Titan Quest Immortal Throne, helped the kids read, read this book together and had some private time. I wish all work nights could go this well. What is with the great "run" my family's been having? Knock on wood that it keeps coming...

5. We bought a kicking/punching bag off of Craigslist. The one time the seller is nearly down-the-street.  Robert and I have worked out together a few times already using it. Try roundhouse kick followed by side kick without putting your kicking foot down! Feel it in the obliques. Reminds me of the days of being a TKD assistant instructor. I was taking gymnastics for a little while too. I had this insane notion that I could get into aerial Taekwondo. That ship has sailed a loooooooong time ago. =)

6. Kids are done with school as of June 20 for my daughter. She finished 2 weeks later than my son who is in the above picture. I can't believe I have a now 3rd and 7th grader! Where are the grey hairs hiding? Oh wait, they haven't started high school yet. That's when it will happen. =)  My new challenge is to get them to retain their reading and math skills over the summer. On top of that challenge, my daughter will be away with her dad for half that timespan. 

7. No Getting Up early for morning insanity. It get's old living according to a timer and alarm clock. It makes me appreciate when kids do what they're supposed to on their own without reminders. Yes, I know. It seldom happens. But when it does, I'll put it on my thankful list!
8. I checked my Starbucks Rewards account by chance and was notified that I had a Birthday Reward to redeem. Sweet! It was going to expire in 2 days. I'm so thankful I accidentally found out that I could get a free one!

9.  Sexy push ups. Well, I'm not going to say much more. We were clothed and laughing. We're trying to make the most of our workouts. We want to have fun and entertain each other. Meanwhile, Gabriel drooled on us. It was good for laughs

10. I cashed in my MOO.COM perk off of The business cards came out really nice. Now, just to give them out...

No Fail No Fry Chicken Wings

The Story Behind the Big Boss Man Machine 

and the Health(ier) Chicken Wings

So last year, I found a great deal on the Big Boss Oil-less fryer on [This is not a paid advertisement for either companies. ] I was trying to wait to give this to my husband for his birthday but I couldn't stand the wait. I already waited 2 months hiding it in the front closet.

I convinced him that he should open this gift early even though it was for his birthday in early November. So, he was impressed and skeptical. To be honest we've tried this on potatoes with little luck (sorry, Big Boss company). BUT, chicken and steaks do so very well in this man machine. (4 oz. filet mignon, 5 mins each side @ 425, perfecto!)

So, my husband wanted to enjoy chicken wings at home. The snack pack of T.G.I.F. Friday's frozen premade wings are $8 for about 18 puny wings (even with the breading)! But, we buy the Walmart 4lb pack for $9.49. That pack lasts us two occasions of wing goodness. It's a better buy for more meat.

So chicken... meet your best ally.

Tuesday, June 24, 2014

Chicken Fingers According2Meredith

Story behind these chicken fingers: 
My husband  took a contracting job at an electronics company that filled government orders for parts. It was a hard job for him because it was the 2nd shift (1:30-10pm) and he didn't like working his fingers raw with wires.

It was a fortunate job though, because it allowed us to move out of the apartment and into a nice neighborhood outside of Denver. It was nice because, where most things seemed difficult, he got this job fairly easily. I counted ourselves blessed at the time.

This is also the time I spent helping my middle son learn how to read since I had to take care of the after-school stuff during his shift. It was an arduous task full of battles, but I finally listened to his whining enough that he got tired of saying the same thing without me giving up on him. (grin)

So, as our guilty treat for working through this work shift as a family, I was teaching myself how to make awesome chicken fingers for a snack once he got home. I would make these for him and we'd watch some TV while we ate. It's still one of our favorite past times.

Friday, June 20, 2014

Defensiveness Fails

Reporting to you in a representation of Real Life:

It might seem like the things that I write are from a place where I'm standing outside of a reality similar (not the same) as you. But, as different as my life is from yours- it is not without a flux of challenge and victory. Thankfully for me, most challenges have become victories. Hallelujah~

Defensiveness Fails

Thursday, June 19, 2014

Creative Whimsy Prompt [1]: 9 Fantasy Cubes

Flexing my Creative Muscles

 Roll & Play Style #1

Roll all nine at one time, start with a cube that grabs your attention and string the cubes together as you build your story.

As long as I can remember, I have not had a good creative mind. I never played dolls much because I didn't have the colloquial imagination. Perhaps that is why I have a problem with art also. I can draw things I see (not well) but forget trying to draw something from my imagination. I don't see a "whole picture."

I don't know why I am this way. I feel deficient. Many Asian people are gifted at drawing and the like. It skipped over me! I don't know what to attribute this lack of skill to. This is the only area in my life I feel like I could never get better at, at least visually.

But, with writing and artificial imagination stimulation, I might be able to improve. Ultimately, I just wanted to have a way of building writing skill without making you want to poke your eyes out due to my intense writing.

I bought these cubes with my kids in mind. I wanted something that I could play with my kids and something that would at the same time help my son develop language while practicing. I think I'll have my kids play this with me and then write their own short story based on the game to keep their reading and writing skills over the summer break. What are you doing to keep your children's brains going over the school break?

So in addition to my Words With Friends Writing Prompt posts,  I will periodically do Rory Story Cubes to hopefully entertain you. =) Feel free to add your version in the comments below using my order or the order of your choosing. Knock my socks off!

Monday, June 16, 2014

Kick the Blaming Habit in 5 Steps

1. Bless the Other Person
Just because you are at odds doesn't mean you need to curse the other person. Unless this is the last time you're planning on seeing them...
2. Love in Return for Wrongdoing
Love in this situation reflects more about you as a person than what the other person deserves.
3. Accept the Person as They Are (Imperfect)
When we acknowledge that all people are imperfect, there is less need to alienate each other for being human. If we wait to accept people when they are perfect, it will be a futile waste of patience. 

4. Mend the Condition of the Relationship
Where blaming tends to harm the condition of the relationship, we can purpose to do the opposite. Mending adds to the strength of relationships.

5. Elevate the Other Person
It is hard to be harsh to someone we elevate in value. It would also elevate the standards of the relationship.  

Sunday, June 15, 2014

10 things of Thankful June 15

My Week Inventory of Blessings:

(1, 2) Husband has been doing his double dipping with his job and so I have double blessings because of that. We are getting double the paycheck and my husband has been getting home 2 hours earlier. It was an adjustment to my usual routine, but it was a good reason to switch things around in my day so I could maximize that extra time with him. 

(4) While we're on the subject of time schedules, my son finished school the first week of June, so this past week I've been able to get up 30 minutes later since my daughter's school starts later. And when she's done with 2nd grade, I'll have even more relaxing mornings.

(8, 9) I had my first try at publishing a guest post on Tuesday and Wednesday. My posts for Catt [1] and [2] got gracious responses from my audience. I also got to meet fellow blogger and Coloradan,  Kathe with an E for dinner at Village Inn. She runs a blog based on her eye for table-scapes. She also has a weekly link up that I mention on my link up page and runs a blogging group on Facebook. Outside of that she has a full time job! It was a wonderful opportunity to learn about a precious soul. So funny that we discovered each other online despite how close we live in the same town. What a small world!

(3, 6, 7) We were blessed to find a new babysitter for our baby Gabriel. She has kids around the same ages of our three (in home). So with this new babysitter, the four of us went to see Captain America: The Winter Soldier. I won't dispense any spoilers, but I think it was a crafty and attention grabbing action movie. I got to stop by the Korean store to restock dried mushrooms, prepared foods, fish cake, rice cake and red pepper paste. The red pepper paste is nothing like the red pepper paste that my mother grew, cooked and shipped to me back in 2011. I miss my mom in Korea. She has a hard life but has a heart of gold.

(5, 10) I know that Gabriel is not the only baby that shares, but it is just so sweet to see his eyes light up with satisfaction when we let him feed us. He really understands that life is a shared experience. From the first days he was alive, I've rubbed my head against his as an affectionate gesture. When he was about 3 months old he started doing it back to us. This kid has stolen my heart (and my birthday!) And today, for Father's Day it feels so good to honor my husband for the way he has helped nurture our son Gabriel into a vivacious, smart and loving boy.

My heart goes out to all of you who are missing your families and fathers due to distance or passing. I hope you had a special day celebrating the fathers in your life. Thank you for peering into my life with the lens of thanks. Many blessings to you~

#fathersday #tenthingsofthankful #ttot

Friday, June 13, 2014

Human Placebo

The Placebo Effect is Real...

Thank Heavens

Dear Reader,
I have gone through 34 years of life to realize that the "placebo effect" is so very real. It is as real as the pain that saturates our human race. We are walking around with deficits from things that were withheld from us-- searching for that placebo. Searching for the thing, the person, the ideology that will "fill us up." The kind of filling that would fill that void to the "T". The placebo would ideally be the exact amount we need to make our lives better, or to at the very least, anesthetize our pain.

We want this "placebo" to fill us up, not to purposefully use it or abuse it, but to make us whole. We have a drive to be whole. It is part of being a living thing. It is in wholeness that we imagine ourselves being the best versions of our-self; we would be smarter, more successful, more popular.

The good news is that everyone has a void. 

Thursday, June 12, 2014



There are some people you meet that you can never forget.

I don't want you to forget Catt. What ever stirred inside your mind and your heart as you read her story, sit with that a while. Let that feeling help shape and soften you to the world outside of "me."
When I read through her core post, I thought to myself: "I don't want to be the same person after I do this guest post with her." Without telling me (or you) what part should or needs to change or adjust, don't resist it. It's your journey, you take the steps.

There were a few things that hit me while editing her story. We have a lot of similarities related to our experience as adopted people. We have some strange ways of relating to people based on our most foundational abandonment. But we also have a fierce sense of loyalty and willingness to change to solidify relationships.

That willingness is something that you won't readily find in non-adopted people. And if you do find it, don't let it go. It's a precious character trait to have in yourself and in your loved one. It's the thing that will take a relationship the distance it needs to go.

She and I both grew up only children. Not having siblings painted the way we learned to associate with other people. Additionally, our feeling of estrangement (distance) with our adoptive family were shared. For her, her "at odds" feeling was resolved, and unfortunately, mine is still ongoing. At this point, and Catt would agree, it is in God's hands.

I was struck by her willingness to bare her bad and ugly side. Perhaps it is because she feels so remade in the "image of God" that who she was does not taint who she is today. That is a really healthy relationship to have with your past.

For me, I don't like to share the ugly of my life. I am at peace with it, but I'm not at the point where I feel like if I speak about it, it will touch people's lives. In that sense, I feel quite ordinary. I have some lesser (from my P.O.V.) issues that I need to work through and perhaps that will be the juncture when I feel led to bare more of my life.

I do feel like I have great purpose in life. I feel like the great things I have done and can do is through God's provision of skills and intuition. I feel like I have a book waiting to be written about my life. I feel that I have an impact on humanity that has yet to take force. I know that this life is more than "about me." 

Wednesday, June 11, 2014

GUEST SERIES: Catt Peace 2 of 2

Graphic:, words of Catt Peace

Continued from... "

You have to be a Christian to have 

your prayers answered. Right?


How Adoptees Find God

The following are her words with my editing, formatting, brackets and headers:

I Dream of...
Rationally thinking, all these conversations with the two of them must have been on my mind, as one night I had a dream. In my dream, I met the person: the person I had always been needing and looking for. I spent what felt like an eternity with him [feeling] so happy and peaceful. We talked, laughed, and joked.  At the end of my dream, I said "I don't know your name", and this vision of perfection smiled at me with the most beautiful smile and said "I know, I'm Jesus".  I woke up feeling amazing.

Magic of the Subjective Experience
[Although it] sounds corny and weird; it happened. When I told my colleagues, one was amazed and the other was jealous. It was still several months, maybe even a year, before I let this gnawing feeling on the inside get the better of me. I asked the Christian colleague ([that] I didn't get on so well with) when the next 'public' (less full on and less dramatic) service was as I felt I needed my 'yearly dose of religious.' Having grown up always attending Christmas and Easter services at the Catholic Church of England and Evangelical-type establishments, [I could at least do "that."]

Slaughter-er to slaughtered?
My colleague was a bit taken aback. My co-workers, [not unlike other believers,] spent so much time patiently inviting colleagues to church only to be scoffed at behind their backs.  Still, every Christian knows they are setting themselves up for slaughter whether publicly or privately with non-believers [when they broach the subject of religion]. 

Receiving blessing with moral support
I persuaded my best friend at the workplace to join me (strength in numbers) for a service my colleague had forgotten to invite me to. (He says he will never forget that, the one time he gave up asking was the one time I asked instead.) [At the part of the service] when a man was asking if anyone needed prayer, I nudged my diabetic atheist friend to go up. {Mental monologue as follows: I didn't need prayer. I had some form of belief in a higher power having studied various religions only to conclude that no-one had it quite right. "That would do me just fine. Thank you."} But my friend would only go if I did. [So I went because] I felt he needed it.

Challenging the Power of Laying Hands
[Now, we are both in front of the preacher.] In heels, I towered over the man who stood in front of me and asked what I wanted prayer for. I quite cheekily said, "Anything He wants to give me." As this preacher man put his hand on my head, it felt like a battle of wills as to who was going to win. It felt like he was pushing me over 'in the Spirit' (I had done this religious nonsense before) against my heels holding me upright. I won. Ha, take that you religious weirdo.

Church for a healthy social environment
In the time that followed, I started attending Church as something to do. I had made the decision that my long-term boyfriend (the angel who had set me straight again) and I needed to move forward in our relationship. We were living in a tiny dingy little annexe with mould growing on the walls and not enough sunlight.  [It was time for a relationship upgrade.]

I went to Church to meet people in the local area. I went to Church [only] for something to do on a Sunday. On a particular Sunday, I had already decided that I needed to find somewhere new to live and made a precise list of what I wanted in a home. After looking for a week or two all over the internet [of my own power] to no avail, I raised my thoughts heavenward. I said "It's me again. Help us out and I'll make this a regular thing, yeah?

Be careful what you pray for... It might come true
[Precisely] that afternoon, I found my dream home in a previously undiscovered corner of the internet. My list was ticked off. On my solo and very modest wages, I would be taking a massive financial risk. My parents promised me assistance and encouraged me. They, and many others by this point, weren't too fond of my long-term boyfriend anyway. [Furthermore, they thought this move would likely move him out of my life.]

Fast forward a few months, my boyfriend and I had none of the same interests and none of the same friends. I decided I needed to learn how to live my own life and make myself happy without him. [Eventually,] we spent a lot of time apart. You can only ever change you, not other people. 

Christian Camp Take Two
I was begrudgingly persuaded by some of my new 'friends' in the Church to attend a Christian camp. [It didn't take much effort as,] I had done it before. I could deal with a week of religious nutters as I needed a holiday, [I sounded off in my head]. They were planning on talking about what the Church was doing in society [and] mobilising 'God's Army.' I thought I'd go along to learn what I could about me. [I planned on] separating the message about God from the general theme of being a good person. "That’s basically what Christianity is, right?"

All Signs looking up
Just as we left the home of the now friends', previously [strange] colleagues, (all packed up [as if we are heading] to a week in the sun), I stopped my car.  I said, "Something special is going to happen. [I noticed all the signs that were jumping out at me.] It's exactly ten years since I last went to a camp just like this and ten years since my parents got our old dog." (My parents were getting a puppy that weekend.) [Those signs gave me] a weird feeling of anticipation.

I was and still am well aware of the politics within any organised group, including and especially churches, so I linked arms with a new friend. We distanced ourselves [physically] from the rest of the Church. Even to the point that on the first night, we sat seperate from each other, and seperate from anyone else we knew. 

Gripping the Heart of the Adopted 

Here I am Again

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