There are some people you meet that you can never forget.
When I read through her core post, I thought to myself: "I don't want to be the same person after I do this guest post with her." Without telling me (or you) what part should or needs to change or adjust, don't resist it. It's your journey, you take the steps.I don't want you to forget Catt. What ever stirred inside your mind and your heart as you read her story, sit with that a while. Let that feeling help shape and soften you to the world outside of "me."
There were a few things that hit me while editing her story. We have a lot of similarities related to our experience as adopted people. We have some strange ways of relating to people based on our most foundational abandonment. But we also have a fierce sense of loyalty and willingness to change to solidify relationships.
That willingness is something that you won't readily find in non-adopted people. And if you do find it, don't let it go. It's a precious character trait to have in yourself and in your loved one. It's the thing that will take a relationship the distance it needs to go.
She and I both grew up only children. Not having siblings painted the way we learned to associate with other people. Additionally, our feeling of estrangement (distance) with our adoptive family were shared. For her, her "at odds" feeling was resolved, and unfortunately, mine is still ongoing. At this point, and Catt would agree, it is in God's hands.
I was struck by her willingness to bare her bad and ugly side. Perhaps it is because she feels so remade in the "image of God" that who she was does not taint who she is today. That is a really healthy relationship to have with your past.
For me, I don't like to share the ugly of my life. I am at peace with it, but I'm not at the point where I feel like if I speak about it, it will touch people's lives. In that sense, I feel quite ordinary. I have some lesser (from my P.O.V.) issues that I need to work through and perhaps that will be the juncture when I feel led to bare more of my life.
I do feel like I have great purpose in life. I feel like the great things I have done and can do is through God's provision of skills and intuition. I feel like I have a book waiting to be written about my life. I feel that I have an impact on humanity that has yet to take force. I know that this life is more than "about me."
Back to Catt: What really struck me was her turn around with Christians and God. It is truly an identity thing. Every step she took was in line with her identity. She went to Christian camps as a "friend." She went up to get a blessing because her friend needed one, again doing it unto friendship. She went to a church service as relenting upon her co-worker's invitations.
Her mental conversations were guarded. She had desensitized herself to "walking the motions" of being a Christian. It wasn't until she saw herself all alone that she could find that identity in Christ- of needing him so that she could be a better person.
The way she cried with her sunglasses on was evidence that God had cracked her facade of "doing as a friend" or "just going through the motions." God wasn't satisfied until she submitted to him and let him make her anew. So anew, that her friends, coworkers and family were shocked and in disbelief.
And Catt was satisfied because God spoke to her need as an adopted person. He breathed value into her and gave her a purpose. He weaved all the details of her life to set her on a path (of obedience to his will) to do his work in His Kingdom.
God answered her prayers and her questions about her identity to the "T". She no longer had to masquerade as a "friend" or "daughter" or "coworker." She could finally be "Catt," the person fearfully and wonderfully made in the image of the one parent who has never and will never let her down.
Not only did Catt move into an identity carved by Christ, she began to see with His eyes. She could see the pain she caused to be just as significant as the bundles of pain she so desperately desired to keep locked away from her consciousness.
But what moved me more was the way she so fiercely represented the resentful atheist as well as the passionate theist. She has taken the longest journey to extremes of giving God the finger to going to her knees in tears.
It felt like I was in the mind of every resentful atheist who told me I'm daft to believe. It made me see that, like in the words and thoughts of Pastor Jimmy Evans, "that when you turn away from God, you are turning away from your Healer."
She and I both ran to God because he more than fills that hole of pain from abandonment, betrayal, insecurity... It was a hole that even drugs and doing demonic things with her ex-boyfriend couldn't resolve.
In the end I realize, that it is a good thing to be angry at God. He can handle it. But also, you only get angry at people you wish could be there for you. I fear more for the ambivalent person, the one who doesn't let anything bother them, also doesn't allow for anything to grow them.
I've been told that anger is the other side of love. And if you feel that for God, he still loves you. You can't hate something that doesn't exist. It might be a journey away from you- but it's out there. Like my biological father, I have no recollection of him and I have no idea what he looks like but I know that he is out there.
Keep taking that journey to peace, which is Catt's middle name. =) Furthermore, my Korean name was designated "Peaceful Shining." It used to be my online moniker. I hope this first guest, and associated posts have been of value to you. While you read this, she is changing lives of troubled youth in England.
If you want to contact her, her email is email@example.com.
Thank you for reading my post today! If you found it valuable, please pass it along. I don't get paid for writing. I do it to bless others at this point. Is there anything you'd like to add? Please do so in the comment box below.