As I think about bringing new life into the world, I'm excited and honored. Yet something just grabbed at my heart today... realizing how many babies are NOT with their mothers (and fathers): not just babies, kindergartners, middle schoolers, high schoolers, young partying adults and parents themselves.
I suddenly felt unworthy to be taking the place of anyone's mother. To be so arrogant to say that I could do it better than the mother (not that I did). And I could argue that some mothers aren't always the healthiest for their children... but who is (ever)? To see the devastation in those kids eyes... a feeling that they lost half of who they are. A shattering of what they once thought would always be there to comfort- the same way the naked skin warms us right after birth. No baby connects with the incubator- even that baby knows they are missing something.
I think about the children that I was left with. The precious beings that I never planned on mothering on my own. I cry out to their mother- their maker. My heart is broken for you... for the kids. Please just come back together. I promise I will be your partner in this and respect your rightful place in their lives. Out of my love for them, I'd do anything to bring you back. Because I know the pain of being a mother away from her child (even if for a few days); because I know the pain of a child not being able to run into their mother's arms.
I'm surrounded by all of these broken spirits in the world and feel a compulsion to just put the puzzles back together. To blow on the reunited puzzle as if to obscure the permanent scars of separation. In this moment, I don't want those two kids to be happy they are getting a half-brother. I want those kids to get a brother AND their mother back. It's just not fair to them. And I embrace their torn feelings at a time that could be joyous.
On National Day of Prayer, I'm just brought to my knees praying that God would redeem these bonds and relationships in his greater plan- and if it is in his will, that he do it very swiftly. I feel like the fact that we live in a country where half of the kids are born out of wedlock is just unacceptable and out of God's vision- for the kids' vision. I pray that God breaks our heart for what breaks his. I pray that God heals and restores our minds. I pray that God brings us all to our knees to die to ourselves so that our relationships can live on. In his Holy and Powerful Name, I pray. Amen.