In Your Language

Wednesday, May 1, 2013

This time, I am not sorry

It seems to me (at least), that opinions are the most FREE and cheap things that America offers. People who know nothing about a person or matter will feel free to bulldoze a line of thought. God forbid, you disagree. I cannot calculate what particular words will offend or make another person feel convicted of a transgression. My purpose is not to slaughter, though I may be slaughtered. My purpose is to look at things through new eyes, untainted by culture and what people try to impose on me. If that is threatening... then, this time, I'm not sorry.

As an adoptee, I've been forced to swallow gossamer truths to help other people feel more comfortable around me. When I look back, I'm astounded by the LACK of emotional labor extended at my expense. It is as if I was trained to be a non-entity, to have no impact, to be only pleasing... [not to say only me, but I'm speaking for me].

It pains me to think about all of the lessons I had to learn on my own. I was horrible at figuring things out- but could you blame me?  I was afraid to do anything wrong but I didn't know what was right either. All I knew was that I was one step closer to being marginalized.

How do you tell someone to "pick themselves up by their boot straps" when no one offers the support? How can you judge someone who was never told what to expect and what was expected of them? How do you listen to your child cry and not offer comfort?

I remember telling my mother: "L told me she doesn't have to like me." Let's be fair and assume I just don't REMEMBER what my mom said, but it was not anything enough for me to reject that pain. And by the same token, I'm told my society and family- accept everyone else and treat them well.

I remember my father telling me "How could you do this [ruin] our family!" and it still echos today. And maybe it stung more because my biological father [to my limited memory] was not a part of my life; it would be easy to assume he thought I was a downer in his life as well. Was I supposed to be sorry, that time? Was I supposed to be sorry for something that other children do and never question their place in a family? Was there something obvious about me that made it DIFFERENT when it involved non-entity me?

I'm not sorry for being different. I'm not sorry for offering different ideas. I'm NOT sorry for living, existing, breathing too loud, not conforming, for NOT being hush-hush, for "making" you feel uncomfortable. Arrows are fine as long as they are directed at me, the orphan, the marginalized one- RIGHT? If you want more dirt on me, I will share with you how imperfect I am. I have nothing to hide.

In order to claim anything about me, you should first know me; spend time with me; ask me; listen to me; open your mind to me. But I really don't know many people who can say they've done this. I HOPE that before anyone makes claims on other people that they truly know who and what they are talking about. Oh wait, isn't that the definition of prejudice? Judging without knowing? It's funny how many people know us that we don't even know.
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If we're going to say anything blindly- I pray that it is something that is kind and charitable. If we're going to think about someone, let's not think about just that ONE MOMENT and wonder about the rest of their life. I pray that we know that anything that is worth standing for WILL be persecuted. I pray that we are prepared spiritually and mentally to do what we have learned and grown to know what is right. I pray that we will not strive to conform but to be ourselves the way God intended us to be.  Acceptance is not granted through conformity, it is granted through genuine love and value for who you are, uniquely. Don't choke on that lie.

And for my Christian brothers and sisters: remember how unpopular Jesus' followers have been throughout time? Expect the good fight for the Glory of God.  The more you stand out to the world [differently] the closer you are in your walk with Jesus. Hallelujah!


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