I thought that if I waited long enough that I'd be able to patch things up with my adoptive family; then my father died. I didn't bank on it happening but I was open to it happening... sometime. Now it is a "never".
I thought that giving the best of me, would change hearts... and so far- the same. I guess I still have some time. It's not at never...yet.
I thought that I could encourage labor because I'm "big enough" and I wanted it either over before the busyness of May or for it to wait after the busyness. But- so far, obviously, I have not had any effectual influence over any of it. I have to accept that my life will just be trying and chaotic for a time... hopefully only a time.
We all know we have to wait and we try to bribe destiny with "decided patience." But destiny hears no bribe. And, God's will and timing is not influenced by our selfish desires, as well meaning as they can be.
At this point, I feel at the mercy of God. I have three finals left and I have not idea if I'll be doomed by surprise labor and delivery recovery making it difficult to study or take the test. I don't know how it will pan out, despite the amount of preparation I've put into pulling everything off. It seems like the three things I worried about went just fine, only to have a different "kink." Go figure.
So now I'm trying to bargain with God: if you are making me wait longer (uncomfortable and down to one pants I can wear... misery of my ego) I'm petitioning that the baby waits until the weekend of my birthday; after school plays, holidays, finals and birthdays. I was wanting baby to have his "own time" without piggy backing on any holidays or other birthdays. But again, not my decision; I am required to submit and obey.
I'm feeling the boundary of my limits and realizing that I have more limits that I haven't even considered. It's defeating. It brings me to my knees. It makes me need to pray to my Almighty God. And, honestly, I don't FEEL like praying more than I have. I feel like I have already reached my capacity for performing in every area. It's tiring... and I'm going to add on parenting a newborn.
Is this God's last call to me to truly surrender? I ask this because I feel that being adopted is the biggest call of surrender that anyone could submit to.
This pregnancy has thrown me so many curve balls... I'm exhausted. I'm ready for it to be over. I want a period where I can coast and rejuvenate, where I don't have to explain myself. At least to Gabriel, he won't make me prove myself anymore than any other person in his life. In fact, he might just accept me for who I am- God willing.