|In Foster Care Aug '84|
My Adoptee Journey Destination: Wholeness
Most of my life, I thought that the only way I could be "okay" with life was if I could rewrite it. The static nature of my past was all to disheartening and condemning to me. It was easier to stop looking back. But then, life kept repeating itself. The past I was avoiding kept on appearing in my present.
It wasn't until I embraced God's call to repent of my ways, that I could look at my past and improve myself. God told me it doesn't matter where I came from (time/history perspective) but where I am now, in contrast. But ultimately, my destiny as a Believer is Heaven. Heaven is the antithesis of my previous life before I became "born again."
My first birth was less than dignified. Without holding on to blame, I can only understand it as the convergence of dismal circumstances with the culture in which I was born. But, my God given desires have always pointed me back to my family of origin. (Not to the exclusivity of my adoptive family, but to have a comfortable duplicity in my life.)
I know God was trying to orchestrate something big in my life. He juggled the circumstances along with my sometimes unthinkable actions. But that matrix of his Loving Hand and my limited wisdom has brought me to a time where, I have total confidence in what he has in store for me, for my family and for the world.
It has been such a beautifully painful life. Of which, from this present moment, I could die a happy woman. I would not ask for any more from my life. But I do look forward to what's to come.
I did not know I would feel this way. I knew there was a high likelihood of my husband seeing the orphanage I lived in. I did not anticipate how much it would mean to me. That something happening 15 time zones away could bring me to tears and such happiness. I did not know how heart broken my husband would feel for me when he held these precious children. The one in this picture is only a few days old. He described the children as guarded at first but then they warmed up and were very responsive. The children enjoyed the visit by my husband, his coworker and the steady stream of volunteers.
The implication of these photos is that I do not have to separate my past from my present. My husband knows where I came from. My family knows my husband. Through this time of being "apart" from my husband, I feel very much connected to him. He is the only person in my life other than my daughter who has "gone the distance" for me. It is the best feeling: knowing my family accepts him. Like I said, I couldn't ask more from life or from God.
For much of the past 15 years of my life, I've felt like a broken branch with no family to claim me as their own. Now that my husband has been to my birth country, seen my "ground zero" of adoption, and met my family, I feel that my branch has grown. It has been my void not to have family at my side during weddings, births and celebrations. I do not deny that, but I have not let that determine my happiness or contentment.
I'm not letting life take any more from me. Despite what is going on I will decide, with God's guidance, what I should focus on. He urges me to see the things I have and value. I would not have it any other way. I see possibility and the changes that CAN happen. Nothing is final for me until "this life" ends.
My wish for you:
I am no more deserving than you. We all have our scars and our current wounds. I hope that you can have at least a small part of the peace I feel toward my life: past, present and future. Part of that can come from changing your mind about life right now. Part of it will be from life unfolding to present to you much meaning. What you did not read in my post is that my husband is serving abroad. This happened with sacrifice. Nothing great has happened to me without something that gave me discomfort.
I pray that God would be faithful to your wounds and unravel a life that gives you peace and meaning to the good AND bad parts. I pray that he prepares you for the trouble that will come and gives you the eyes to see his blessings. I pray that you would have a long distance relationship with God that would increase in intimacy the way I feel closer to my husband despite the miles between us through this season of life. It is possible for you.
I pray all those words in his Loving Name, Amen.
[The only thing these developments do not address is my estrangement to my adoptive family. I do not express this happiness in contrast to anything. I keep them separate out of respect. God still has a plan for my relationship between myself and my adoptive family. I keep preparing my heart for what he will bring in that area of my life. I still feel a deep respect and loyalty toward my adoptive mother and deceased adoptive father. I feel God has made me an "adoptive parent" so that I could appreciate them more. God has not left my adoptive family out of the picture.]