In Your Language

Tuesday, June 4, 2013

When minus one, plus one does not make things neutral

In math, economics, tit for tat: minus one plus one always equals zero, clean slate, no balances on either side, nothing owed or gained. Everything is neutral in this mentality.

But consider this in an interpersonal perspective and the math just doesn't do it justice. In the case of orphans: being orphaned (-1) and then being adopted does not make a plus one and does not make everything honky dory with said HUMAN BEING!.  To this human being, they are being treated like a commodity if people truly feel like being adopted makes all the pain go away. To treat an adopted person like their life has been "fixed" just isn't adequate. To an adoptee-  they were abandoned (-1) and adopted (-1) in the respect that they had no say in either and they had no place to have an emotion about their own circumstances. They are expected to swallow what other people wouldn't even VOLUNTEER for.

I'm not saying that adoption can't be beautiful. But the beauty comes from recognizing that both sides come from a place of loss or pain. I am not a valuable person just because you handed over money to legalize guardianship. I am valued BECAUSE I'm a person. PERIOD. You cannot add or take away my value; it was given to me, to all by our higher power (or to me, by God).

I felt bad about myself because I was at odds with my adoptive family. I cursed myself for not being able to see them as hurting broken people like me. But then again, they never saw me as hurting or broken. If anything, I was a PROBLEM. Maybe I'm daft, but "problems" don't have value. But with the guidance of God, I was finally able to see my adoptive parents as broken like me and it gave me a sense of peace. It gave me room to pray for them, to mourn for their losses and pain the way they never exposed to me when I was in their household. How do you live with people, family- no less, and not know them?

Having a beautiful son and enjoying him so, I mourn for my adoptive mother who never was able to experience that. Does that pain equal mine? I don't care. But it does give us a bridge if some time in the future we ever do reconcile (God willing).

I think about all of these blended families that have child triangulation going on (not that I blame them). I think about the parents of child perpetrators the school shootings that still back up their children. And finally, I think (man!) I could have been worse! And what would have become of me if I were worse? Would I been kicked to the curb instead of just being called a "terrible child"? I never got to say: "Well, if you think I'm a problem, I'll just re-enter into my biological family's life (even though much time as changed and we don't know each other anymore)."

I think about children who were abandoned by their parents and part of me wants them to call their parents out on it and ask them the hard questions. Don't just let minus one and minus one equal zero; zero water under the bridge, zero pain and anguish, zero reconsidering your worth. I would speak for them and say "No. You don't just jump back in like nothing happened. You can't get that time back. That time with me was valuable. How are YOU going to rebuild my trust? What have YOU done to better yourself while I was worried that I should just rot rather than to thrive as an innocent person. I want you in my life, but you need to value me first." In a world that accepts abortion unflinchingly, I'd say to these children who were "spared"- know your worth in GOD! Demand repentance before reconciliation.

I know that this is a big thing on God's mind. That when I reach the pearly gates, I will have to account for my wrongs against HIS children. So I better make things right before God calls me home. It's only too late when we're buried. Value each other now. Repair those relationships. Don't leave anyone with an open wound if you can help it. Don't get into the "zero" trap.

Here I am Again

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