Who do you want to be compared to?

I find that (especially in kids) there is this draw towards doing what "everyone else" is doing. We perceive that things aren't "fair" if we don't get or get away with things that other people get away with. But that's an illusion of the Enemy. He knows that it's our perception of "slights" that inhibits us from reaching our God given potential to do His great work in his kingdom.

The illusions that "same" treatment equals "fair treatment". But that is a fallacy based on the assumption that we are ALL THE SAME (?). And God has a way of changing lives so that we are forced to feel and see from someone else's perspective. I never knew how it felt to worry about a child so deeply- to wonder if I did something permanently damaging to my child until I had my son. Perhaps there was nothing that I did wrong, but more of an act of God moving me to see what I was not able to see before.

In this first week being a new mom (again), I've had a huge roller coaster. It seemed like one thing after another was causing me to really worry about my son.. under weight, jaundice, eye infections... I have never worried about my daughter so intensely and in a drawn out fashion. I find myself having a completely new experience with parenting- one that makes me appreciate things that God wanted me to appreciate.

I find myself telling my daughter: "Don't to the right thing only when people are looking or if it feels good to you. Do it to the glory of God. You cannot hide or lie to him." And I tell my older son: "You are not the same people, things are fair in the sense that they are personalized to you as unique children and individuals. I only want 'one' of each kid."

The newest development in family life is that older stepson has been using the word "Mommy" around me/ for me since his baby brother came around. Perhaps he is opening to the idea that "mothers" come in different circumstances and are blessings. Perhaps he sees the duality in the name "mom"; one as a biological role and one as a living role.

So the next time we want to pull the "it's not fair", let's consider if we want to be categorized with that other person or life circumstance. Who do we want to be the "same" as? Let's say you want to be as "musical" as me, would you take my adoptee status too? We should not consider fairness on one dimension. In reality, we are probably much more blessed than we realize.

I guess it was a day to ramble... as days bleed into sleepless nights for me. =)

What's your style?

As I can compare a hospital delivery with most interventions, having a doula, having a midwife, waterbirth, not having a doula, going through natural birth… I see them as two different worlds; one through a medical construct and one through a woman’s natural construct.

I was naïve to think that I could (and planned to have) a natural birth at a place of medical interventions. My slight disappointment was unfounded. The fact that my labor was long and overly tiring shouldn’t be a surprise. The fact that my daughter came out drugged and didn’t cry shouldn’t have been a surprise. The surprise was not being able to see her for an hour after her birth. The biggest surprise was how much I valued having a doula.

Even in my contrasting birth experience at the midwifery, I noticed the difference a doula makes in such a monumental process in a family’s life. What I found missing in the absence of a doula, was augmented by my feeling of transcendent peace and strength that failed to arrive with me at the hospital the first time around. But I guess for me, the doula represented a mother figure that for this particular pregnancy I mourned.

I originally abandoned my body’s sensibilities toward knowing my labor signs because I had so much going on in that “period of reckoning.” But, that morning of MY Birth Day, I was in tune with my body in the same way I knew I was about to birth my first. I combated my societally influenced fears and reservations (pain, being discrete with bodily functions, nudity). My inner birthing spirit told me not to fear; giving me the idea that it would be a travesty not to recognize that I AM the driving power and strength BEHIND (not at the mercy of) the sensations. That at this juncture I was to acknowledge the true force of my female power and align WITH it; to trust that a (MY) body would not harm itself in such a sacred life process. How do we expect progress in labor, or otherwise, if we contradict or counteract our own power/wisdom?

The biggest revelation to me about the birth was that since I did not know when to anticipate the pain of the crowning, I got through it without fear or hesitation. I didn’t have the opportunity to hold back and I didn’t have to put more effort or rein in more “bravery” to do it. Perhaps, it would have been a longer story if I had noticed that turning point. Maybe we should disregard turning points if they impede the completion of our goals and accomplishments.

I was surprised at how much I wanted to kiss my husband during the labor… as if to take me back to the beginning, to reaffirm what we cannot take back- that I have a burning desire for him- body and spirit. My “drug” was the physical touch of my love. It was experience I was hoping for.

I have a better appreciation for my limits and my strengths. I have more respect for the power of my body- one that media and medical professionals tell us we need their product and expertise. I think of people who have gone through abuse and lose touch of their inner power and I’m convinced that they would change their mind through this process we call labor and birth in the re-birth of their soul. It is at the point of giving birth that no one can TELL YOU who you are.

The first time I took it lying down. This time I did it my way; upright in a reservoir of water- the most powerful element on Earth. I was not just an active participant, I steered the process and saw it to the end. I am so thankful that my husband led me through this journey that for him he saw was the best for our child; but really, a woman knows, it was transcendent experience. The best part of all was that he believed in me. 

Face the pain

I won't say that I enjoy pain. And I don't embrace all pain. I break it down into- what is worthwhile and what is just ridiculous. Is the pain associated with a goal or a vision? Is the pain associated with momentary reward or future gains? If I walk through this pain, is God going to be proud of me?

The most obvious pain that I face these days is that of impending childbirth. I do not see it as a ridiculous pain. I see it as goal oriented with future rewards and joy. Pain that leads to joy? I raise my hand.

A lot of times we are deluded into thinking that we can circumvent the pain. Perhaps that's where addictions come into the scene, or sins or irresponsible decisions. But when do we ever really escape the haunting of our pain? The nature of pain is that if we don't walk through it- it walks WITH us and IN us. It's like the trash. You can avoid it but soon enough the odor will reach every corner of your house. We must take out the trash.

It's not about our sight; but about our consciousness (even subconsciousness). Sometimes the pain goes away when we repent. Repenting doesn't necessarily mean you have to walk into the pain, but more dissociating with the person who gained (ha ha) the pain.  Pain knows which heart it can choke.

Other times, we are called to walk through the pain; to let it change us and make amends, pay restitution.  Sometimes the key to getting rid of pain is to see where we allowed it into our lives; to see where we CAN dissociate with the discomfort.

Part of dealing with pain forces us to embrace the possibility of changing. Sometimes people refuse to change and drag around the pain as their token of resistance. But change in relation to pain is usually for the best. Some people don't want to face the pain in the presence of others as it is too embarrassing or shameful. What they don't realize is that most people CAN SEE the pain without full disclosure AND if you have been able to hide the pain, chances are you are not holding yourself accountable in other areas of your life as well.

Pain and sin need to step into the light to be best dealt with. The light is meant to be support, to be a source of growth. Growing pains are much more worth the pain of stupidity. And if you are lucky, find a partner to walk you through that pain. To some, that partner is God. To others it is someone who reached out to help and support.

God wants you to feel joy and forgiveness and rebirth! It is a free gift, don't throw it away. Think about the legacy you want to leave behind. Will it be a legacy of pain or a legacy of healing?