More than you Bargained For

When you deal with me, 

you deal with my Parent's 

influence on me

According2Meredith.blogspot.com

I listened to the Focus on the Family Broadcast (Daily Edition 05/29/14) by pastor Louie Giglio talking about generational impressions and influences. He proposed that we have to look into our past and deal with it so we don't bring it into the present and future.

I've mentioned this theme of family legacies, for bad or for good, before in different ways. But, after listening to pastor Giglio, I realized that I'm screwed. I mean, my family doesn't have a chance, but for the Grace of God [or whatever source you have].

Assessing the situation:

I have both adoptive parent and biological parent influences. 

And what's even scarier is that I don't even know how to discern what I got from my genes! That influence must be visceral and in the fibers of my being. Either way, I feel so sorry for my family.

I own it:

I'm not saying that my parents are horrible. 

My childhood does not sanction my perpetuation of family curses. I am responsible for my own impression on my children. It is up to me to guard my behavior and tongue, perhaps twice as often, when I take in account for my parental influences.

The Futility of it all:

The thought scared me so much I felt like running away.  

As if running away would spare them of the things that haunt me and twist my character in my worst moments. If I ran away, they would have a scar of abandonment. I feel like a locked and loaded gun even with all of the work I've done to make myself a more centered person.

As if punishing myself changes anything:

Every day, I mentally slap myself for my mistakes. 

I just can't help myself. It's my sin nature. It's my human nature. But, I still have to own it. It scares the crap out of me!  I feel like I should be locked up in a safe and have someone throw out the key. Like in the Arrow show on the CW channel, I should be left like Slade on that remote island.

Photo Credit: According2Meredith.blogspot.com

Good moments offer no reprieve:

I almost fear having a good moment because I know that it won't be long before another bad one comes along.  

I just want to not kick myself for one whole hour! Doesn't that sound nice? "Hey Mom, remember May 31st of 2014 between 6 and 7 in the evening, you were flawless." Said no kid, EVER.  Pulled off by no parent, EVER. 

Photo Credit: According2Meredith.blogspot.com

Double Whammy:

By nature of being adopted, that my family has two sets of parents (of mine) to deal with through my incarnation.  

Whereas, other children of nuclear families only have two parents to taint their already human (sinful) tendencies. That's not including two parents for each of our parents, and theirs and theirs, and so on. It's outright overwhelming to begin to think of how f-d up we should be!

>{  MY ACTIONABLE STEPS  }<

So what do I do with this feeling?

<> Recognize that I have to be very careful.

<> Release this negative & heavy feeling. 

<> Choose to never give up on being a better person

<> Opt to apologize ahead of time and tell my family I love them (twice as often as I should if I told them that as much as I'm supposed to). 

I have to remember:

{+} It's not just me.

{+} I don't have to own all of it. 

{+} I only have to own my part. 
 

{+} I'm not done growing as a person

~ YOUR TURN ~

Thank you for your (continued) readership. 

It is a compliment that you are spending some of your precious time here. If you feel open to sharing with me, what do you do for self improvement? I'm always open to new ways to develop myself. Many blessings to you~